The Mind of an Insecure Person

4. Cole

April 2nd, 2018
3:24 p.m.

Dear diary,

Today was horrible. I was such a klutz since I woke up. I dropped all of my books in the hallway and everyone laughed.

That wasn't even the worst part, though. They didn't even bother to help me. All they did was laugh and point and glare at me, which made me feel like I was going to have a panic attack.

The laughs still haunt my brain right now. I can just hear them all laughing and telling me that I am worthless and no good for this world.

Other than that, really, today is just "one of those days." You know, the days where nothing seems right, and everything goes wrong. You have an aching feeling in your chest, like your heart is breaking apart piece by piece. It's kind of like heartache, but it isn't. It's just a hard feeling for me to explain. I guess you just have to go through what I'm going through to know the feeling.

Some days I have this thought in my brain that says, die already. No one will care if you're gone or not. Just go. Relieve yourself of the pain and suffering.

Have you ever had those kinds of thoughts? If so, I am terribly sorry. You do not deserve it, at all.

———

April 07th, 2008
7:55 a.m.

Dear diary,

There is this song I heard on the radio today. It honestly caught my attention from the start of it. The song started out as a sad rhythm, and her voice was flawless. As the song progressed on, it just got more intense and sad that I related to it. Tears were threatening to escape my eyes. I had to know what this song was. So, with that, I got to school and searched the lyrics I could remember.

The song is called "Breathe Me" by Sia.

If you haven't heard that song, listen to it. I mean, now. It is literal perfection.

Don't ask me why those lyrics caught my attention. It just made me stop from looking out the window and start paying attention to the words and rhythm of the song. I was mesmerized by the song.

As I lay in bed, I listen to that song over and over again. I feel the connection to the lyrics and wonder how she felt while writing this song. I also wonder what she went through to feel this low.

Am I as low as she felt the day she wrote that song? Thinking about that scares the hell out of me.

———

April 07th, 2008
3:22 a.m.

Dear diary,

Sleep is my friend and has been for awhile now. It's the only thing that takes me away from this crazy ass world. The only thing that helps me go to my own little place where I can dream of the happier days that are yet to come.

If they ever come.

I think I'm going to go slip into my metaphorical bliss now. To feel nothing for a couple of hours before I have to face Hell once again.

Until tomorrow.

Love always,

The broken image of a boy named Cole.