The Mind of an Insecure Person

9. Jessica

May 26th, 2008
8:28 a.m.

Dear diary,

I woke up with the feeling of his lips still on mine. It was a dream, but it felt so real to me.

Last night was so amazing. I can't believe that any of it happened because I didn't know anyone could love fragile ol' me.

I rush to the shower and as I'm stripping off my clothes, I can see the scars on my body. They're not pretty, but they do tell a story.

I take my time in the shower, finally letting myself relax and let the hot water soothe my shoulders of any tenseness I had built up. As I let the conditioner sit in my hair, I begun to shave my legs. Embarrassingly enough, I haven't shaved my legs in almost two weeks. All thanks to depression.

"Why do you do this to yourself?" I whisper to myself, and then laugh.

———

"Good morning!" My mother says to me when I get downstairs. She's sipping on her black coffee, giving me a devious smile.

"Morning." I say back to her as I go to the fridge to get the milk.

I pour the Fruity Pebbles into my favorite neon green bowl and then pour the milk in. I let out a soft moan as I take my first bite. I love Fruity Pebbles so much, and they taste so delicious.

As I finish up my cereal, my phone vibrates on the countertop.

Great time last night! He says to me.

Yes, indeed. We definitely need to do it again. And soon! I smile like a kid in love as I hit send and put my phone in my back pocket.

I run upstairs to my room and get on my computer. I go to my blogging site and sign in. I click on create new blog and begin to type how I'm feeling.

Love is a mysterious thing. It's a feeling that makes you feel so many emotions at once, but nonetheless, makes you feel this intense amount of happiness.

Love has pain and love brings happiness. Everyone knows that love isn't perfect, and neither is your partner. You'll both have things that the other hates, but it's up to you to decide who you want to love and hate at the same exact time.

I'm not anywhere close to being perfect, but I know I deserve love. I have scars and battle wounds that will never fully heal, but they will make me a better and stronger person.

I finally found this one guy that makes me happy. He seems so perfect, but I know he's not. But he's the right kind of perfect to me.

He's a perfect mix of perfect and predictable. I can literally sense what he will say or do before he ever does it. You wanna know how I do it? I simply do it because he's so predictable  and I can always tell what his next move will be.

I hope he always stays predictable, though. I never want him to change that part about himself. Or any part, to be honest. I want him to always be that predictable guy that makes me happy.

— — —

Isn't it funny what love can do to a person? It makes you so consumed in that one person that you tend to forget about the people and the world around you.

You tend to forget about friends (or family members). You want to be with that person all day, every day even if all you guys do is lay in bed and watch old movies. You're so full of all of this love that you just want to express and give all of this love back to the person who's making you feel this amazing.

What I don't understand about love, though, is how someone suddenly just stops feeling love for you. How does it go from being so full of love to not having even a smidge of love left?

When do they finally realize that they aren't in love with you anymore? And how long do they keep it to themselves before finally telling you how they really feel? It's just crazy that someone who once was so in love with you can now no longer feel even an ounce of love for you.

Like I said before, love is a mystery. It keeps people up at night but also lets people fall asleep happily for once. There's so much that love can do to a person, and I just think it's such a mystery.

Maybe one day I'll be able to solve the mystery of love.

Love always,

Jessica Knot, the girl with a dysfunctional mind.