The Mind of an Insecure Person

Jessica

Dear diary,

I woke up to Nevaeh crying. I sat up in bed and then started walking over to her, groggily. I rub my eyes and then pick her up. At first, I start walking back and forth, patting her back to try and calm her down. It didn't work. I walked down to the kitchen and began making her a bottle. When the bottle was heating up, I change the position of how I was holding her and give her the bottle. She begins to suck on the nipple and she stays quiet.

After she ate the whole bottle, she got a bit fussy once more. I laid her down on the bed and started to change her. When I was done, I threw the dirty diaper away and started to walk back and forth again. It took a minute for her to calm back down. I started to rock her back to sleep. Finally, I can lay back down and sleep more.

The next morning when I woke up, she was still sleeping. I walked downstairs and started pouring my cereal. I sat down at the table and began to eat. As I was about to be done, I could hear Nevaeh cry. I hurried up and finished it all and began to make my way back upstairs. But instead, my mother came walking down the stairs holding her.

"Thought you could use a break." she said to me, smiling.

"Thank you, mom."

"Go back upstairs and sleep a little."

I smiled. "Thanks, but not really tired."

She gave me a weird look. "You aren't?"

"Nope." I smiled. "She only woke up like once or twice."

"You are the lucky one than." she giggled.

I smiled at her. I walked over to the couch and sat down. She was in the chair, rocking Nevaeh and trying to calm her down.

Everyone told me that being a mother this early would be hard, but so far, I'm okay with it. It is not bothering me or making feel crazy. I like knowing that I have a beautiful baby girl with an amazing guy in my life as the father. Life right now couldn't be any more better.

If you would have told me that this would have happened, I would have given you a weird look and probably laughed in your face. I was in a dark place back then and now I feel really happy. I know that it could get worse or it will as they get older, but I'll be prepared. I'll be more grown up and I'll have a grip on what I'm doing.

As Nevaeh finished her bottle, my mother set the bottle down on the stand and put her on her shoulder to burp her. It took a minute for it to happen, but when it did, it was a loud belch. We both giggled.

I walked over to my mom and held my arms out.

"What?" she asked, looking at me.

"You seem tired and you need to eat. You can give me her."

She smiled. "I'm fine. I want to spend time with my grandbaby."

"Alright, if you say so. Do you mind if I go over and see Jonathan?"

"Go ahead."

I smiled and then jogged upstairs to change my clothes. It's kind of weird being in my old clothes because being pregnant and wearing maternity clothes, you were so big and now I'm going back to my small figure.

I started the car and backed out the driveway. I drove down every road, on my way to his house. When I got to his house, I parked my car and got out. I walked up the sidewalk and rung the doorbell. I stood there and waited for someone to answer.

"Hey." Jonathan's mother said to me as she opened the door.

"Hello, is Jonathan awake?"

"No," she said, "he is still sleeping. Like always. But come on in."

I smiled and stepped in the door. We walked in the living room and I sat down.

"Want something to drink?" she asked me.

"Yes, please."

She smiles and walks away, going in the kitchen. When she came back, she brought back two Coca-Cola's and handed me one.

"Thank you." I said, opening it.

"You're welcome."

She sat down and we started chatting for a little while. She asked me how Nevaeh is doing and if I'm holding up and all. She seemed pretty cool about it and I'm glad. I hope she is in the babies life also.

All of a sudden, we heard footsteps coming from upstairs.

"That must be sleepy head!" his mom said, smiling.

I laughed. He walked down the stairs and rubbed his eyes. He didn't have a shirt on and his body was chiseled. I instantly got hot.

"Hey, babe." he said, then kissed me.

I kissed him back. "Good morning."

He smiled and sat beside me.

"Where is Nevaeh?" he asked, looking worried.

"My mom decided today is her day to hang out with her." I giggled.

"Oh." he smiled.

We then got up from the couch and he lead me upstairs, to his room. He shut the door as he came in behind me and I sat on his bed.

"Did she wake up a lot last night?" Jonathan asked me.

"Not really, just like two times."

He smiled. "She must be a good baby."

I giggled. "For now."

He walked over and kissed me. I kissed him back.

"Jessica, there's something I have to tell you."

I looked at him, confusedly. "What is it?"

At that, he got down on one knee and looked up at me. The blood started rushing to my face and I could feel the heat on my face. He wouldn't.

He grabbed my hand and looked in my eyes. "Jessica Marie Knot, I have loved you since the first day I laid my eyes on you. It was easy to fall for you because you are an amazing girl and I love you. I want to spend forever with you. I want it to be me, you, and Nevaeh together forever. Will you marry me?"

The tears started flooding to my eyes and they fell down. They were tears of joy. "Yes." I said.

He kissed me and smiled. He wiped the tears away.

"I love you." he said.

"I love you too."

If I thought my life couldn't get any more different since the baby, I thought wrong.

Love always,

Jessica Knot, the girl with a dysfunctional mind.