The Mind of an Insecure Person

5. Jessica

April 10th, 2008
1:23 p.m.

Dear diary,

So we got a new kid today at my school. His name is Jonathan. He is my age and in my grade.

I'll try my best to describe him. He's around 5'9, has this beautiful, glowing tan to him. He has brown hair, brown eyes and the most beautiful smile I have ever seen on a guy. His eyes are like the sweetest honey you've ever tasted, and I swear, in English, as soon as he started talking to me, I got lost in them and totally looked dumb when he was introducing himself to me.

"Hi," he said, "my name's Jonathan. What's yours?"

And this is when I was totally lost in his eyes that I just stood there and stared into his brown eyes. It wasn't until he looked a little uncomfortable that I finally realized what I was doing.

"Uh," I said, nervously. "My name is Jessica. I'm sorry about that. I was just lost in your eyes."

He laughs. It's the kind of laugh that let you know he wasn't quite sure how to take compliments. He gives me a smile, though.

Oh, and must I say, his smile could light up the whole night. I don't know what it was about him, but there was this feeling inside my chest, like my heart fluttered when I saw him. It kind of felt like a spark of love. I have never once thought love was real, nor believed in it because it only happens in fairy tales and books. Love doesn't really come my way, because I think that no one ever sees the beauty in me. Especially since I can't see it in myself. But when it came to Jonathan, I felt this odd connection with him that I haven't felt with anyone else in my entire life. It felt great, to be honest.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe love is real. I see love all around me, but the love I have always seen around me crumbles and falls to pieces like it was never meant to be. It always ended in heartbreak, misery, and even divorce. That's why I never thought true love in all of those fairytales were true. It was all fake.

Anyways, all I really have to say is whatever that spark was that I felt with him, it felt really good. I want to feel like that every single day for the rest of my life. Whatever feeling I felt when he was around was a magical feeling. He brought this sense of happiness to me that I never really ever felt before with anyone else.

For once in my life, the smile I gave him as he smiled and talked to me, was a real smile. A real, honest smile. It was the one moment in my life—for what seemed like a long time—that I was truly happy, and I don't want this to go away. Ever. I want this—whatever it is—to never stop. I want it to go on forever, even past eternity. I want to be this happy forever.

I just have to try and be cool, calm, and collected when it comes to being around him.

Hopefully I can do one thing right.

———

April 10th, 2008
4:24 a.m.

Dear diary,

I had a dream about Jonathan tonight. The dream seemed so real. I think that's why I woke up so early.

We were together at the fair that happens every year in July, and I was holding a stuffed animal of a giraffe. His arm was around my waist, pulling me close. We both had smiles plastered on our faces, and it was weird to see how happy I looked.

"Do you want to ride the Ferris wheel?" He had asked me. I smiled and nodded my head yes. I planned on kissing him at the top of it all day. That's why I wanted to come here in the first place. The second reason was for the food.

As we made our way to the Ferris wheel, he kept his hand around my waist and made me feel secure. I didn't care about anything else going on around us.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but you can't take that stuffed animal on the Ferris wheel with you." The guy just looked at us and I looked at Jonathan with a sad expression on my face.

"Can you keep a hold of it while we are on the Ferris wheel?" Jonathan asked the guy. Luckily, the guy nodded his head and held his hand out to take the giraffe.

I lean up and give Jonathan a kiss on his cheek. "Thank you, baby."

"Anything for you, my dear."

The Ferris wheel takes a moment to get going, but once it does, my heart leaps out of my chest and I get nervous. What if I fall off of this when it gets to the top?

Oh god, don't think about this right now. I take a couple of breaths to relax myself, and luckily Jonathan notices as fast as he did.

"Are you okay?" Worry flashes across his face. I nod my head, but my chest feels tight and I feel as if I can throw up.

Luckily, though, I begin to feel better by the time we are about to be at the very top. I breathe a couple of more relaxing breaths and then grab a hold of his hand.

Jonathan looks over at me as our fingers interlock and gives me a smile. My heart does a little flip and I smile back at him.

As we can reach the top of the Ferris wheel, I can sense the fear in Jonathan, too. I think he's going to try and kiss me also.

Just as I expected, Jonathan leans in for a kiss and that's exactly when the dream ended and I woke up.

And now here I am wondering just how well that kiss would have been. I've never been kissed before, but I dream about the magical moment that I finally do. I hope it's everything and more.

I hope that it's with Jonathan.

Love always,

Jessica Knot, the girl with a dysfunctional mind.