The Seven Boyfriends Of Pansy Parkinson

026

TW: Dark themes, SA, substance abuse

ERNIE: I was in my hotel room watching some stupid movie.

I heard yelling, you know those long screams that echo, yeah I heard loads of those.

Morrigans room.

I ran I literally thought she was being murdered.

Blair was there. She was on the ground now struggling to breathe holding a letter.

BLAIR: She was red and started pulling out her hair, banging her head against the wall. It was really bad and Ernie and I didn't know what to do.

We knew who would.

JAMES: Scott and I entered.

"What's wrong?" I cupped her very red face and the tears were rushing down as if they had some place to be.

"You're gonna hate me, you're gonna call me stupid James"

"No, no, no Mor you can tell me anything"

"Theo and Pansy are together, Gin told me so" she handed me the letter.

I swear I could physically see her world falling apart.

PANSY: Soon everyone knew about our fake relationship. It wasn't even a relationship we just lied once but rumors are vicious.

JAMES: She cried in my arms and I cradled her like a baby trying to calm her down.

Something inside of her cracked that night.

BLAIR: the drug use before was at a 4, after that letter it was probably at a 9.

It was terrible to watch. You couldn't even stop her, it was her lifestyle. They made music about being high and drugs.

She was smoking a pack of cigarettes a day probably maybe two. She was unstoppable. I mean I tried to.

Paparazzi got those famous pictures of us yelling at each other outside of the Dior store that night.

GARRETT: I wasn't their baby sitter. As long as they showed up for their shows I didn't care what went on behind the closed curtains.

JAMES: By the time tour was over on April she lost fifteen pounds. She didn't even have fifteen pounds to lose. It was like watching a shadow of a person.

I couldn't help. When she was high she sometimes became mean.

"You did this to me"

"Fuck You James we all cant be perfect like you"

"You took her away from me"

And maybe it was all my fault.

SCOTT: Man I even told her to slow it down.

"You're supposed to be the one who gets it Scottie"

She always called me that. The only one who did.

"I do, just this is a lot Mor even for you"

You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. I tried to tell James that. Told him to worry about his wedding I could watch over her.

DAPHNE: James couldn't sleep or eat knowing she was out there partying and taking all sorts of things.

He actually cried about it. Said it was all his fault. I told him it wasn't true, her actions were hers, not a reflection on James.

PANSY: I called her one night, I knew the rumors had gotten to her so I just wanted to tell her myself they weren't true.

"M: Hello?

P: Its Pansy

M: oh okay

P: I just called to say Theo and I aren't together, we never were it was just a lie for his dad.

M: Oh wow

P: Yeah ive got to go but I love you"

I hung up before she could say anything because what if she didn't say anything?

I went back to being alone. A part of me was waiting for her. It would always wait for her to come back.

JAMES: It was three in the morning. I got a call. I knew something was wrong. I just knew it.

"M: I love you James"

That was it. The call ended. I knew she needed me and I aparated to her new flat.

I still remember everything so clearly. Mor was on the floor holding an empty pill bottle and the tears were still rolling down her face.

Fear ran up and down my body.

I grabbed her and held her face "Come on let's get you some help"

She met my eyes. I dunno if I can even describe her eyes. "She picked me James, you hear me?"

"Mor you need help" I could feel her pulse weakening.

"I just wanted to dance I told him that, I woke up with blood all over my legs. i just wanted to dance"

I held on tight and wished I could take it all away. I would take every ounce of pain from her and take it upon myself.

"Did you hear me James, she picked me"

I told her what she needed to hear at that moment "I'm so happy for you"

ERNIE: The rehab program James took her to was sixty days long with no visitors. He said she needed to focus on recovery that we couldn't smother her.

DAPHNE: Our wedding was pushed back.

"I'm not going to get married without my best friend there"

I was okay with it, I would've felt bad forcing him to get married without her. That's also what I loved about him, he cared so much.

PANSY: Daphne told me she went to rehab. She said Mor almost died. My heart stopped. I couldn't imagine a world without her.

"Is she okay?"

"James recons she looks better already, I dunno a lot happened"

I wanted to ask about every detail, I wanted to know. But it wasn't my place anymore, I had no right to worry about her anymore.

I wanted to write to her maybe call. But I just had to depend on Daphnes words.

As our lunch went on she started talking little by little.  Telling me more details.

She told me how Mor was twenty minutes away from death, how she didn't even fight to stay alive. And that made me want to die.

"She loves you Pansy, she kept talking about you, James said in her sleep she would ask about you"

I found myself smiling like an idiot. "I can't keep hurting her Daph"

"Sometimes the greatest act of love is letting them go, knowing that sometimes they're better off without. I think you're strong enough to love her from a distance"