The Seven Boyfriends Of Pansy Parkinson

027

SCOTT: one of her last days we went to group therapy. The entire band, her therapist even had her invite Pansy.

PANSY: I didn't go. I still regret not going.

JAMES: she looked better already, kinda like a little kid, her blonde hair was in two braids, no black eyeliner, but a light blue tank top, dark wash low rise jeans and her leather jacket.

"I would like Morrigan to begin with how she feels"

She looked down at her hands "I just felt like James and I were getting a divorce and forcing you all to pick sides, I came from a broken family and I dunno I just thought you all would chose him, and I'd be all alone"

We weren't allowed to interrupt. That was a big thing in therapy apparently.

"Would anyone like to say anything?"

I raised my hand. "Everything I did was to protect you Mor, you know that right?"

She nodded.

ERNIE: I raised my hand.

"Go on"

"I umm, I sometimes feel like because Mor never grew up with her father around, James uses that to his advantage because he knows Mor looks at him like the main male figure in her life"

James shot his eyes at me. I looked away. Just looked at her.

James raised his hand. "I feel like Ernie is an enabler, like their fake relationship was all about Ernie too, they never cared about her more than themselves"

SCOTT: "They James? What do you mean by 'they'"

JAMES: I dunno I was very upset.

"Scott you did most of the drugs with her and you knew how bad she was getting and didn't stop it. And I think it's because you're scared if you're sober you'll realize how alone you are"

Scott flipped me off. Dr. Kim got him in trouble.

I didn't realize Morrigan had started crying. It was very silent, just staring at her hands crying, it gave me the worst deja vu.

"Morrigan why don't you tell them what's making you feel this way?"

She took awhile and wiped her tears off quickly "Umm I just feel like it's all my fault we're fighting and I dunno I am just used to everything being my fault. My dad leaving, Tommy getting taken away, Pansy not showing up. It's all my fault. I am the root of everyone's problems."

"That's not true" I jumped in.

"Let her speak please James"

"That night I just thought if I was gone everyone would be happier, better off. And I still can't shake that feeling"

It was silent for awhile. You could probably hear a pin drop.

SCOTT: I felt like I was seeing the real Morrigan Poston. She was a sad girl. A real sad girl.

ERNIE: I was next to speak.

"I'm sorry you know, with Theo and Pansy I knew. I mean he didn't tell me but I knew. And I should've told you."

She flinched at the sound of her name.

Scott raised his hand, "I sometimes am scared that we'll grow apart. I can already feel it, with James' engagement and all"

SCOTT: she looked me in the eyes and smiled.

"We're not growing apart Scott, we're just growing up"

I got up and hugged her so tightly I could feel her ribs and her heart beat. It was beautiful.

JAMES: I just remember feeling like I was the problem. And I felt so worthless.

Dr. Kim could see straight through me, she called on me next.

"James is there something you want to say?"

I remember feeling like I was twelve again getting picked on.

"I'm just thinking"

She nodded. Maybe she noticed that it physically hurt Mor to even look at me. She was my best friend. I cant even put my finger on where I went wrong. Maybe I did everything wrong.

"Mor you're my best friend and I'm sorry about everything, I don't think sorry is enough"

"I think maybe when we're all older and our songs are forgotten we'll be able to look back and understand all of this"

ERNIE: no one could forget our songs. We won five Grammys. I mean we defined rock and roll. We were the worlds biggest rockstars. Yet no one saw all the pain Morrigan felt. Hell I didn't, and I lived with her.

SCOTT: you know it's so easy to forget that at one point we were just teens in our common room playing our songs for anyone who would hear.

Now we had platinum and gold records.

I couldn't be mad at James. He was like my brother. Families fight. But right then we needed to be there for Morrigan.

JAMES: she wanted to come live with me after rehab. I made her my 'best man'. Daphne loved her, liked having her around.

Daph and I laid up one night and she turned and held me, "you know I think Pansy and Mor were made for each other"

"Yeah I think so too"

"By our wedding next year I want them to come together, who are we to keep to twin flames apart"

I turned to her. "What if Mor has moved on? She seems happy right?"

"She still sleeps with a picture of Pansy by her bed you know"

I didn't. "Pansy doesn't even want to be out to her parents"

"Who told you that?"

"Mor can't get hurt again, she's sober now. If Pansy breaks her heart I'm scared I'll lose her, I almost did Daph. I held her in my arms as she started loosing the light in her eyes."

She put her forehead against mine. "We don't have control over the people we love."

PANSY: Their wedding was going to be in February it was barely October. I was happy for them. I really was.

I knew Mor was doing good and sober that's all that really mattered to me. I was learning how to love her from afar, to clap and be on her team from the sidelines.

Well that was all until she called me.