The Problem is Me [EDITED)

Chapter 29

For quite a large period of my life, I thought I might have been asexual. No attraction to males or females. I only started to think this when everyone started talking about their girlfriends/boyfriends, and how they had sex for the first time. This was when I was about thirteen, and some of the other kids in the hospital were a bit older. The thing was, I didn't seem to like anyone. I wasn't attracted to anyone, if I didn't pretend to be someone I wasn't I physically couldn't get on with anyone, I never experienced sexual attraction to anyone. 

At first, the obvious things went through my head. Things like, am I gay? Which I can now truthfully say that I'm not gay at present. I'm not dismissing the fact that I may at one point experience attraction to another male, but I am yet to discover another guy who can get my attention. Now that I'm older, I have came to the conclusion that I do in fact like girls. 

On the subject of girls, they are quite hard to deal with sometimes. And by 'girls' I mean Amber Draydon. Jesus fucking Christ, give me strength. You might be wondering what happened after she gave her speech about them two tagging along with me. They did. They packed up their stuff, and were ready to go within half an hour.

Pissed off couldn't even cover how I felt in that moment. I can usually handle myself pretty well, but after a two hour bus journey with them, I was seriously considering committing suicide. All I'd had for the past one hundred and twenty minutes was Amber dribbling on about 'getting framed' and how she was going to get finger fucked by Big Barbra in prison when they catch us. 

Would've laughed if it had been anyone else. 

"I notice you've been very quiet, Mr I don't give a rat's ass." Amber exclaimed, throwing an empty water bottle at me. I turned my head towards her and gave her such a disgusted look that she lost her bossy attitude for a few, glorious seconds. I sighed and rolled my eyes, turning back to look out of the window. 

"Don't you look at me like that!" She screeched, and Shane placed a hand on her shoulder to calm her down. 

I groaned and turned to face her fully, "Amber, sweetheart. As much as I would absolutely love to speak to you, I've got a headache and loud irritating noises are not really anything I'd like to have on my agenda." 

"How are you so calm?" Shane asked, eyes bewildered. 

"I'm not calm." I replied. 

He tilted his head, but eventually just sighed and brushed it off with a flick of the wrist. "There's a cheap hotel somewhere around here if we get off at the next stop."

I didn't turn away from the window, I just watched everything pass me by in a trance like state. It was late, if I wasn't mistaken we had caught the final bus of the night. It wasn't unusual for me to get so lost in my thoughts, but I'm usually on my own. I've spent well over half of my life with only myself as company. Sometimes I don't know whether that's a good thing or not.

I've been told that I'm what you might call a 'toxic person'. I don't know if I am. I have hurt a lot of people, and I'm not proud of it. Does that surprise you? I feel like it might. Now, I don't feel guilty for it, but I'm not going to brag about it. Right now I don't really feel like myself. I think I've let myself get lost in everything that goes through my head. And that's never a very good thing.

The things that go through my head worry me sometimes. I don't think I should have left the hospital.

After what seemed like hours, the bus came to a final stop and we got off, Amber and Shane leading, with me following slowly behind. It was dark and the air was moist, just enough so you could feel the harsh sting as each gust of air caught you by.

Amber stopped in her tracks and turned back to come towards me, I rolled my eyes and gritted my teeth together. "You look happy." She said, walking in time with me as Shane carried on ahead.

"Thanks." I replied blandly.

She shook her head sadly, "I don't think I've ever met someone quite like you before." I turned to her, and studied her for a few seconds. She didn't know what she was talking about. The way she said it, it made it seem like she was sad about that fact. She was sad that she'd never met a depressed, homicidal sociopath before.

"Good for you," Is all I could muster up.

For a few seconds I thought she might have given up. "Are you bipolar?" She asked. It didn't seem like she was making a dig at me, more so that she was genuinely curious if I was or not. For some reason, and fuck me if I know what it is, I felt a stab of pain go through me at the word 'bipolar'. Because bipolar can be related back to the hospital, and the hospital can be related to Evan, and Evan can be related to suicide.

"No I'm not fucking bipolar!" I said in exasperation, shoving my hands into my pockets angrily.

"You seem like it. Jesus." She muttered, huffing and puffing as she continued to walk.

When we got to the hotel, it was worse than I had expected. It was worse than the hotel I was in before, and that was really saying something. Shane checked us in, and we all had to share a room with one bed, a sofa, a fridge and a microwave. The toilet was one of those crappy shared ones that every damn person in the building used.

It was freezing. The walls were damp, and the window didn't even shut properly. It smelled like a wet dog. I doubt prostitutes would even come here to fuck someone for a tenner.

Shivering, I zipped my coat up further and blew air into my hands. I suppose it wouldn't have been as bad in the summer, but unfortunately we were in the middle of winter. Amber looked around disapprovingly, pulling a disgusted face when she found more dirty items.

I sat down on the sofa, which creaked as I did so, and rested my feet on the coffee table. "Home sweet home," I chuckled to myself quietly.

After a while, we kinda got settled in. Amber had a coat on, with a fluffy hat on her head too. It would have been cute, but I couldn't stand the girl. Shane had two jackets on, with the hoods up and the sleeves bunched to cover his hands. Amber had proposed that they ask me questions to 'get to know me', something I wasn't very happy about. 

"Let's start simple, when's your birthday?" She asked.

"February 23rd," I replied, picking at the frayed bits of cotton on my jeans. I could tell this game was going to end in tears.

She thought for a minute, "Any siblings?"

"No." I lied.

The game went on, and on with her asking simple questions and me lying for the most part. That was, of course, until she asked a whopper of a question.

"Are you going to kill yourself?" She asked, and Shane looked at her strangely.

I furrowed my eyebrows at her, and started to laugh a little. "What kind of question is that?" I asked.

Shane laughed nervously too, "Yeah, what the hell?"

Amber sighed, shaking her head. "I took psychology, I know the signs of a person who's ready to kill themselves. And you, Nathan, are showing every single one." She explained, acting like she knew everything about the subject. If only she knew that I'd spent more time in therapy than I had at school.

"No, I am not." I lied.