The Problem is Me [EDITED)

Chapter 7

October, 2014

Sometimes I think I'm a bit of an idiot, and by sometimes I mean most of the time. Like the time I stayed up for three whole days just to see if I could, it went pretty well until I started fucking hallucinating.

Like I was then, I'm really tired. But this time it's not a sleep deprivation tired; at first I thought I just needed a good night's sleep but I've come to learn that it's a lot more than that. I never really believed in that whole 'mentally tired' shit because it sounds a bit overdramatic but I can assure you that it is indeed real.

On another note, my mom called the hospital yesterday. She didn't ask how I was or anything, she asked if I'd killed anyone yet. After four years the only reason she decides to give a shit is because she's curious of whether I've been transferred to the criminally insane ward yet.

You can really feel the love in that one.

You see, you end up thinking to yourself 'okay, I'm not expecting anything great' or 'I'm prepared for the worst'; but either subconsciously or consciously you have a small piece of hope left in you that good things will come out of it.

And that, my friend, is what fucks you up beyond repair. That mere flicker of hope is what ends up breaking you in the end, not the situation itself. That piece of fucking hope is what kills you.

After everything though, the thing I'm most afraid of has got to be myself. The thing I am most afraid of is me, of not knowing what I'm going to do, of not knowing what I'm doing right now. I've gotten so unpredictable that even I don't know what I'm going to do next, let alone everyone else.

But hey-ho, every human feels like slicing their veins at least once in their life.

Let's go back to planet earth, shall we? I somehow got myself into a 'casual gathering' Jayden, Evan, Leah and some kid named Brandon.

"Exercise always seems like a good idea until you actually start exercising." Leah complained, throwing her hands up in fake exasperation.

"Yeah and sex seems like a good idea until you're about to be pounded by a 6'7 black guy named Mike." Jayden countered, leaning forwards on his forearms. Brandon snorted his drink out of his nose and slapped his knee approvingly.

"I feel as though we've had different experiences..." Leah giggled, quickly blushing when he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and kept it there.

"Sweetheart, you have no idea." He playfully licked her cheek and she swatted him away. It was repulsive, kind of like watching a crappy recreation of The Notebook.

Believe me; no one wants to endure that.

I nudged Evan with my elbow, "It's like a fucking romance movie in here, let's ditch." I whispered and Evan nodded quickly. Without warning, we both got up and left.

It seems that I'm not the only one who feels shit, from what I've seen Evan is becoming a moody little shit again. I really don't understand bipolar kids; they confuse the hell out of me. Then again, maybe people don't understand me in return.

Boredom is officially the worst thing in existence. To put it simply, I get really fucking bored. Last winter this was especially true, I had no one to talk to or mess around with.

The more bored I get, the worse I get. I need to do something; anything to not be bored really. It doesn't always have to be something illegal, or something that people would frown upon. Most of the time I play football, prank call people, write, read, listen to music. Things like that, but sometimes even those things don't stop it.

It's part of why I have so many different acquaintances. They simply keep me entertained, interested. Different people come with different back stories, and learning what riles people up, and what drives them down is something that I enjoy to do.