The Problem is Me [EDITED)

Chapter 13

November, 2014

For an unknown reason I didn’t get out of bed today.

It’s not like I was tired as such, I just had no energy to even get up and get dressed. In appose to the usual feeling of bitter nothingness; today was incredibly strange. I felt like someone had got a hoover and sucked out all of the energy and motivation, all I wanted to do was wallow in bed.

So obviously that is what I did.

I’ve spent days in bed before of course but the reason I’m making a point of telling you about this specific occasion are that I’ve never felt that emotionally and physically drained. Now I would understand if I had just done three rounds with Mike Tyson or been in a heated debate with David Cameron but I had done nothing but be punched in the face and read a book.

Evan seemed to notice my sudden lethargic turn as he asked me a total of eleven times if I was okay in the space of about fifteen minutes. The kid is okay and all, but he’s such a worrier.

On the subject of unknown reasons, I got a letter brought in to me from one of my friends whilst I was feeling sorry for myself in bed. If I remember rightly she was in the same hospital as me when I was about eleven.

The letter rekindled my memory of her, the girls name was Ellie and she was my first crush. Okay, get your laughs in now because I’m about to tell you another story. I should name these times ‘Nathan’s story of the week’ or something but that would make you and I want to throw up.

You’re not going to believe why she was in there because the name of the disorder sounds absolutely ridiculous. It’s called AIWS, short for Alice in wonderland syndrome. I’m not bullshiting you I swear, it’s a legitimate thing.

From what I can remember the main things she used to talk about were how suddenly time would start moving extremely fast. Now I don’t mean looking at the clock and thinking ‘How the fuck is it 4am?’ but everything going in hyper speed to the point where she would actually throw up.

To be quite frank, it confused the shit out of me when I was eleven and it still does four years on.

I wasn't in the same hospital as Ellie for very long, maybe seven or eight months. This time my mom requested I got moved closer to where she was moving, I only found this out a few months ago. Although, it kind of bothers me more than it should that she knew where I was but decided to ignore me.

The heartless bitch.

Ellie was my first kiss, and I was hers. How cliché can we get really? Before you go thinking how adorable it must have been, just picture this. We were sat on my bed discussing our favourite Pokémon characters when she asked me if I’d ever kissed anyone; to which I replied no.

She then continued to ask if it would be okay if I were her first kiss just to not make it awkward with anyone else. So there you have it, an uncomfortable mash of eleven year old lips being locked together in a desperate attempt to recreate what we had seen in the movies.

God, we must have looked like two salmons blubbering all over each other.

The entire letter consisted of how she is much better now, and she hoped I was too. Ironically, she sent this to my mom who forwarded it here. I guess she doesn’t know that four years later I’m still being kept in a place like this.

I’ve decided I’m not going to reply to her, it will save some damage anyway. She’s a nice girl, but too nice for me to ever form a bond with. It sounds really cruel, but leaving her wondering how her eleven year old sweet heart turned out is going to be easier than seeing her when I’m like this.