Public diary-?

Anger

I am known to have really big anger issues my whole life and I struggle a lot with it.. I've tried multiple times to cool it, every thing I do from techniques to skills but nothing will work. I've used stuff like smelling stuff from my childhood and it didn't kind of worked but not close enough. I've used stuff like punching pillows or literally putting ice on my face.. I remember this one time I just gave up and dumped cold water on me in the bathroom but it.never.worked

Now I don't punch people or tell a random person off nothing like that at all but I do stomp, slam things, do anything in my power to tell everyone to pretty much "fuck the hell off" and ofc they wouldn't.

Often this. Anger. Gets so bad I don't know what to do. I completely stiffen up because seriously I DON'T KNOW HOW TO REACT. I keep my head down and anything in my hands I would grip it so tight it'd could break. some could say if I were a cartoon, smoke would come out my ears like a train(lol). I honestly hate when I get to that stage cause it almost feels as if everything in me shuts down and I can't stop it. It's even to the point where I could just break down and cry or (pathetically) throw a fit like a toddler, but everyone expects us to act "mature" and "all grown up" and "High and Mighty!" But even the toughest people have to break sometimes at least in order to continue on with life.

Sometimes the anger turns to pain. We're at any moment I could burst into red fury and the urge to is quite painful and I hate to say this but the only way I found to calm this anger is to. Pinch myself. I'm sorry I know it's wrong really wrong But most of my anger appears in school. The cause to that is that one day I just suddenly started caring about my grade A LOT. nothing ever feels good enough and if I don't get good test scores in math I get mad at myself. If I fail a science quiz I get mad at myself. If I miss a band lesson I get mad at myself.

To be completely honest I would sure as hell love to be one of those dudes who get way too angry but cool off a lot when all they do is "TaKe A fEw BrEaThS"

I feel so bad for my parents because mornings used to be complete HELL for them. Luckily I was able to control it but when I'm annoyed even the little things set me off and I lose sanity

People say that the people your closest too only get to see you completely fall apart with anger or sadness. I guess they were right.

I don't know what my next chapter will be about so I'll probably write something down when I have another breakdown or off day. Until then adios
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