Birthday

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I've dreaded this day. Ever since she went missing everything has been a new experience.

I went to New York this week, I was even in the macys thanksgiving day parade! And my birthday was on Monday the first day we got there. I tried to have a good birthday but it hurts so much, and now thanksgiving passed. Without her.

I wasn't even there for her on my birthday. I grew up with her. I lived my whole life with her up until now.
I've let her down and I wish I could die right here, right now.

Everyday the thought of her is becoming less and less sad and I can't even begin to describe in words how I feel. I will NOT allow myself to move on. WHY is my body moving on? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK is happening? I can't picture her anymore...those precious memories are fading.
Why can't I focus on her easily anymore?

I hate me
I hate me
I hate me
I hate me
I hate me

I hate myself.

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