Public diary-?

Sick

⚠️viewer discretion is advised-? This involves the subject suicide and death⚠️

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I think I'm sick again

Sick as in depressed. Tired. Icky. Hateful. Angry. Sad. Exhausted....to the point where I honestly don't understand why I keep living. Why I'm still alive. I don't think I'll ever actually have the balls to kill myself but the thought of it sounds so good and yet so evil. You lose everything you have in this life in exchange for freedom or imprisonment. I don't know what afterlife is being held for me and that is why I'm scared.

I don't know what to do to...I want to cry out for help but I hate going to therapy. I want to tell my mother everything, she's my best friend. But that would get me nowhere.

These days I've been living solely off of distractions. Distraction help me forget. Forgetting helps me think I'm living someone else's life and that I don't have this one to go back to. So that there's nothing to worry about. Distractions from my home, from myself, from my thoughts...you name it.

I hate my self
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I HATE myself

I don't want to hate myself again, please. I had just started living the dream. Everything felt perfect guys. And I mean PERFECT

But now I've suddenly fallen back into this never ending hole of self hatred. Patheticness. Hopelessness. Anything with a negative label on it, is what I feel.

I want to explain why I'm feeling like this but it all seems childish. I'm such a fucking drama queen. I'm an attention seeker THATS why these feelings are being faked. Even if I come home everday and almost immediately go hide in my room, wallowing away in self pity. I just know it.

To sum it up...My beloved cat has gone missing and she was a rather old cat. She loved being outside and we would let her out all the time because she always came back ALWAYS and yet that one night she didn't come back I DIDNT CARE. I wasn't worried, I didn't feel my stomach drop, my heart didn't skip a beat. It was like that for a few days until I started to worry (little too late) Just another typical night for my Monet. Except day after day, night after night she never came back. I FUCKING hate how I've acted. I never tried hard enough to look for her. The first few weeks I looked up and down for her but I began to lose hope and then I felt like that where everything spiraled out of control. I started having dreams of her. I avoid my garden/backyard at all costs because she used to go there everyday. I hate how all I feel is dread when I think of what used to be sweet memories with her. I feel so fucking guilty. I start balling every time it rains because I know she didn't like to be rained on, and that FIRST FUCKING RAINY NIGHT she still didn't appear.
I hate myself for not searching harder
I hate myself for not putting up missing posters because she was an old cat
I hate myself for putting it aside thinking, oh well she might as well be dead now considering the time she's been gone and how old she was
I hate myself for overreacting over a cat
I hate myself for not fucking balling my eyes out everyday because I should be. In fact I deserve to fucking die.
Why am I not crying everyday? I miss her everyday and yet I forget about her sometimes and get distracted but the minute I'm alone, I sob and cry and wallow.
Her face is slowly disappearing in my memory and I fucking loathe it. I know every single place in this house where she loved to hang out.
And most of all. I fucking loathe my entire being for beginning to hope that she's dead so I could believe she wasn't out there somewhere lost, hungry, confused, and abandoned. Because if that were the case.. I don't know any words harsher than loathe but that would be it.
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate myself

I want to kill myself but I know that once I do. I'll regret it....Killing yourself isn't worth it but I deserve so much fucking pain rn. I'm a waste of space, I'm a waste of fucking human tissue. I should be disarmed and thrown away.
What's the point in living if you feel you have no future anyways?

I never even got to say goodbye. Or kiss her on her forehead like I always do, or pet her cheek as she nuzzles into my palm. I didn't get to cuddle with her one last time.

Why isn't anybody understanding me? Why is no one else suffering? Why is no one else going through what I'm going through?
Why?

⚠️very sensitive part incoming ig-?⚠️
So just the other day uhm. I held a razor to my wrist. I know pretty damn well I would never do it but there I was on my bedroom floor literally having a fucking breakdown with a razor to my wrist with my parents just outside in the living room. I didn't do anything ofc but that was the first time I've ever held a razor blade to my skin.
Just.. had to get that off my chest ig so what better place to say that then in my diary where no one I know exists, reads it.🤷‍♀️
⚠️over⚠️

Oh and schools fine ig. Kinda sucky but what can u do🤷‍♀️

Anyways that's the tea... uhhh bye-?👍