Public diary-?

Love

Ever since a few years ago I've started to believe I'm either delusional or an attention seeker. Because even though I am quite young my body aches for love. Not like a parental type of love but pure romance almost like a watered down soap opera. I've been craving for that attention a lover gives you. I want someone to think of me a lot. To not forget I even exist, or at least acknowledge my existence. I want someone to nurse me back to health when I'm sick or annoy me so much where I'd want to strangle them. I want someone that Would constantly assure me they won't ever leave and be by my side whenever I need it. I want someone to cuddle me, feed me sometimes, tell me how much they love me, look at me with those eyes that you'd always get lost in. You see I've longed having a partner for so damn long and I don't get why. I mean the only scientific conclusion I can come up with is that I'm lonely maybe-? Everyday when I go some where I always see people walking around hugging, kissing, holding hands, looking at each other as if they're hopelessly in love with one another. They touch each other so much touch,touch,TOUCH! Now I know I've grew up and lived my life with a strong way of showing affection with skin-ship. I used to constantly touch other people (not in that way) if im close row someone I used to always pat them on the head or hug them touch their shoulder do anything that involves touching. But as of like 2 years ago. I've stopped touching. I thought maybe for once people might like me if I cool down on the touching. Now this is why I think I'm just a attention seeker, I think most people (not all) don't like me when that just isn't true, but man does it feel like it. I mean from the way people looked at me sometimes when all I did was touch their shoulder. The way I see people look at me in the halls. Nowadays Anywhere I go I've constantly overwhelmed by the thought of being embarrassed. "Is there anything on my butt?" "Are people disgusted of me" "are they looking at my body?" "Are they talking about me?" These are just some of the thoughts that often course through my head almost every day. But I'm just being paranoid, it's a normal thing so it's fine. I mean I've only come to the conclusion of being paranoid because who wouldn't believe their parents? My mother says I'm just being paranoid or I just have those thoughts that aren't true or I just have anxiety. She's right though, it has to be true since I'm only so many years old. I'm so young yet I'm constantly overthinking things. I don't think I have a problem though because once again, I'm just a kid. Kids my age don't think this way. I think this is one of the reasons I'm always asking myself questions that I don't think I can answer.

I don't really like myself much but I refuse to be those kids who claim they are depressed and say how much they hate themselves because only those who flaunt their problems are just proving they don't have them. Like if I had depression I wouldn't talk about it constantly as if I'm bragging about it. Though, no matter how much I put these "stupid feelings" aside I still can't help but to ask myself, "what on earth are you doing?"

Even if I did have a problem with hating myself I doubt it's be about looks or my physical shape. Even Though I do strongly dislike my long face structure and big forehead (but that's normal everyone has something they hate about themselves even if it's just one thing there's always something.) I think I'd have the problem that's mostly based on, me? Like I'm not so worried about my physical shape or looks I'm more concentrated on the inner me I guess. It's become a daily chore of my ever day life to watch everything I do. I make sure I look nice I front of others even if I hate them to my core. I try my best to pay attention though my talent isn't the best at listening. I try to be smart like the other people. I try to hold back the urges to touch someone because I now know how much people hate it when I simply nudge them accident or not. I thought stopping my hobbit to touch people would get me more friends and maybe even someone I can talk to all the time, But all it's done is make me crave affection and skin-ship more. It's so pointless to even try anymore but I still have to. I mean if I want to make it up to them then I have to keep trying.
Word count: 848