Public diary-?

Fear

I'm so lonely

Im scared too. Terrified in fact. There's been so much death these past few months. I'm so scared of losing everyone else.

Please don't take them away from me god. I admit I don't really believe that much in Christianity but at this point I'll believe in anything if it'll get you to stop taking away the things I love. Stop taking the PEOPLE I love, away from me.

It hurts so much. And I'm not even able to tell anyone about it. I'm not able to tell a single soul when I'm feeling the lowest. When I want to cut again. When I want to die.

I hate myself so much. I blame myself for everything. I'm a terrible daughter, atrocious in fact. I'm ungrateful, rude, inconsiderate and much more...even after all the sacrifices my parents have made for me... how dare I even begin to think about ending my own life. I'm a terrible friend. I'm a terrible sibling. I'm a terrible HUMAN BEING.

And I hate myself for it.

I don't know what to do. I'm at a loss. I can't seem to cry as hard anymore but I still feel this throbbing pain in my chest. It aches so much.

Yet nobody will ever know, not at least till I'm fucking dead.