Public diary-?

Monet pt 5

As days pass, I realize that I'm thinking about monet less than usual. It's been way harder to really focus and deeply think about her and it's harder to cry like I did before.. and when I do focus on her my heart aches less and.. fuck what do I do guys? I don't want to move on. I don't want to get over her. We don't even know for sure if she's truly gone. She could be still lost or hurt or afraid for all I know.

it's getting warmer outside and I fucking hate it. I hate it.

This week has been so.. empty. Like I have no feelings, like I'm callous or something. And yet I find myself smiling sometimes and having fun. How could I do this. How could I do this to her? To Monet.
Fuck I'm sorry Monet.

I hate the smell of the new summer breeze, flowing thru the open windows of my house. Everything reminds me of her

I wish I could go back to hurting.. I wish I didn't feel this numbed guilt that comes in waves. I wish I could go back to suffering night and day rather than this... on and off feeling of sadness. What's wrong with me.

I don't want to get over her. PLEASE I DONT WANT TO. I hate that I've been somewhat happy these past few days. I hate it, loathe it... I hate that I've been getting distracted and thinking of her less.

I hate that I have to look at a photo of her every now and then just to reassure myself she was real. That she was really here once to remember her and what she looked like. How could I. How could I....

And I hate that I'm STILL too scared to harm myself or kill myself. I'm still hesitant. I'm scared and I don't know what to do.