Public diary-?

Monet pt 3

I mean there's no one I can talk to anymore.

Sometimes I would go on Omegle if the emotions became too much for me and ofc I can't do that anymore🤣

Every friend I decide to tell (about monet) doesn't really.. feel right. Yes everyone deals with stuff differently but the reactions.. they seem forced and un-comforting. They just change the subject or don't think much of it.
Why aren't you fucking crying right now?
Why can't you understand how I feel?!
Why aren't you hurting as much as I AM!?
Why.

I'm trapped and I have no one to tell..

Well no physical person at least. no someone who can hug me and say "wow that's pretty shitty, yea your life sucks right now"

It's not like I deserve to be comforted and reassured right now but... I want it. But at the same time i really REALLY don't want help.

I don't want to get over her.

The pain is all I have left, and now even THAT is fading. These days I think of her almost at least once an hour, all I can do is frown. It's hard to focus on her now. and when I do, I don't feel like my heart is ripping apart... it's like I've gone...Idfk numb or something.

During my breakdowns I want to scream, I want to yell and I want the world to hear me cry. I want to let it ALL out. But when I'm not busy crying I hate myself, when I think about her I should be a mess, not this washed out, expressionless fuckface.

I'm not suicidal anymore, the only reason I would be is that I'd get to join her if she was even up there right now. But I think living this life would be the most divine punishment that I most definitely deserve right now.