Public diary-?

Monet

Hello, uhhhhh I want to tell you that I'm less suicidal as of now. So that's good I suppose. And I've been having fun this past Halloween weekend, but I feel like I shouldn't have it.

I hate myself for not crying or breaking down because I feel guilty. I haven't been crying terribly because I've been purposefully occupying myself with things and anytime I do start to cry, I desperately dig for distractions, I dislike the way I feel when I'm breaking down. It reminds me that I'm all alone even though I already know that. Sitting on the floor either curled up or just shaking or rocking back and fourth, crying out loud, hoping someone will hear me but also hoping that not a single soul witness this.

I miss her. I miss her so much and seeing the leaves fall and change color gradually... I hate it. if only I knew it was my last autumn with her. I should've known better, I should've gave her all my love. People say you don't realize what you have until you lose it, now I finally understand.

Every time something goes wrong I put myself down because I've let her down once again. I need to prove that I can make her happy even if she isn't here but all I'm doing is failing. I'm failing because I'm incapable, incompetent, irresponsible, disrespectful, ungrateful. I'm a spoiled piece of trash that doesn't belong. And yet I still get mad when things don't go my way, as if I'm allowed to have Anything go my way.

I think about her every single day and every single day I talk to her. I say the same things every time, "I miss you", "I love you", "please come back" and, "I'm sorry". Most times I say it all together. And yet....I'm not on the floor crying, and sobbing like I used to. Everyday I think of her yet my image of her is fading away, my precious memories are becoming harder to picture and I absolutely loathe myself for it.

Yesterday I thought I heard her , and again today I could hear her breathing as if she was sleeping like she used to and I found it soothing until I remembered she wasn't here. Today the first drop of snow has landed in our backyard and we still have yet to find her. I cannot express enough, I cannot begin to describe the amount of hatred and guilt I feel for myself, for not searching more than I should have, for not putting up posters of her, for my parents never mentioning her again, for my inability to do a single thing right in her name, for letting monthrd go by without doing a single thing about it because I was to afraid to admit it.

I want to tell someone desperately, I want to tell them what's going on. I need to get these feelings off my chest but I will not allow this. I will not let myself move on or get help, for this is my punishment. For being an ungrateful cretin of a child. Plus, why bother to help someone when they don't mean much anyways? I'm not much to look at physically, I'm not the nicest person and my personality isn't that great. I expect things from my parents even though I do not deserve them one bit. I'm a greedy little brat.

I never even got to give her the collar I got for her.

To be honest... I'm actually kind of grateful that I can spill out all my feelings and words, without feeling like it's cringey and I'm just seeking attention. It kind of gives me a piece of mind to know that at any time, someone can choose to read this or not choose to read this diary. It's like being able to tell someone how you feel without the people around you knowing anything about it. Like an invisible, nonverbal therapist lol. I honestly hope I never go up to someone and say "I want to kill myself" because first of all, I don't want to bother them with my feelings and making them uncomfortable and second of all, it's kind of weird to say that kinda stuff now. People might go "oh so she's THAT type of girl", "oh so your just another depressed human being walking the streets" .

Yes I know my life means something to others, for example: I know very well my mother would probably kill herself mentally if I died. And yet i so badly want to trade everything, even my life. Just to be with her again.