Public diary-?

Sick thoughts

I pretty much wrote this to express my feelings ... or just ramble on and on about my own problems or opinions🫥

I don't know if I have problems.. I mean it definitely feels like it but literally anyone I know has it worse then me. All my friends either have parents that fight or aren't even there (dead or they just left), they might have depression, they might hate the fact their adopted and never met there real parents, they might hate themselves, they might even commit suicide or consider the thought of it.
My parents don't fight, they love each other. My dad hasn't left nor has my mother. I'm not adopted. I don't entirely hate myself. I care about my family and I don't wish to screw things over with drugs or booze.

I've definitely thought of suicide. Hasn't everyone? Maybe they don't think they wanna do it but everyone at some point in their life has to think of it, maybe because of something or someone. To me..I'm gonna be real honest here... to me suicide almost sounds a lil nice. Sure you won't get a second chance at life, sure your death will definitely effect people (even if it's just one person), sure you might never get to make a life of your own, or a family, or grandchildren..but I also feel comforted by the presence of it. This may not make any sense AT ALL but in some way shape or form I see suicide as a one way out, a plan B if you will. Yes it's selfish I know.. and I know for sure that I will never commit suicide. I could have a list the length of my whole body giving me reasons to not commit suicide. I don't see it as a option just as a on way exit out of a fire that's gone on way to long. I know I will grow out of this, Yk about thinking of it. But right now it's like emotional support. I'm sorry.

I grew up with this one youtuber. He goes by the name of Steve Cash, his channels name was the Talking Kitty Cat. Steve committed suicide because of depression. The amount of years I grew up with him, I would have never guessed he was depressed. For the exact reason he did commit suicide I do not know why. Even though he didn't know I even existed, his death still hit me hard. I found out he dudes 2 WEEKS after he actually did die by someone making a video talking about his... I remember the confusion I had when I pressed the video and the immediate sense of dread right after. I didn't know how to feel.. I could not cry because I did not know him personally, yet I still had this dying feeling of guilt. How stupid was I to have never thought he had his own problems. Somehow the sudden death of him stuck with me for about a year and a half, and through all of that I just couldn't stop this feeling of this heavy chain of guilt on my shoulders getting heavier and heavier, as if I was the one to blame. I would look myself in the mirror and despise it and hated myself because someone I knew actually committed suicide and I didn't even know about it until later. One day though, I don't know how but I just let go, as if his presence had finally moved on and I could feel light again, the death of Steve cash was finally lifted off my shoulders but I will not forget him.
Every time I think of suicide the thought of Steve cash is a little reminder to think of anything other than coming to that result. But just incase I am ever not in the right mind set and decide to do it.. I will jump off the roof of a tall, abandoned, building. That is the quickest way to a painless death without shocking people that pass by.
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