Much Ado About Pudding

Act IV, Scene IV

Enter ROBYN. She pulls out her phone, dials and dramatically collapses onto bench.

ISABEL: Hello? (ROBYN wails) You done?

ROBYN: I'LL NEVER LIVE THIS DOWN!

ISABEL: God. Just I'm about to get my nails done. Quit slurring and tell me what happened.

ROBYN: She's never talking to me again! Ever ever ever ever! I might as well be put on a restraining order from her...

ISABEL: I'm sorry, what?

ROBYN: I was gonna talk to THE GIRL. I saw her talking to her boyfriend before her class! So I thought, okay, I'll just wait on the sidelines until I can ask her to hang out. Well, it put ME in a predicament, because she wouldn't stop TALKING, and then when I called out to her...she ignored me...I was right in front of her. WHY DIDN'T SHE ACKNOWLEDGE ME?! Because she knows...

ISABEL: Okay. Robyn, I'm going to tell you straight up: you're being a creep. No, stop wailing and listen to me: back off. Back. Off. Do you hear? She doesn't need you breathing on her back. Of course she might feel suffocated.

ROBYN: Isabel! I tried not a be a creep! That's the whole damn point! I was gonna come up to her and be like, "Hey you wanna hang out with me, it's up to you." Period! But no, I got caught at the wrong place and at the wrong time! I was just standing there, all too intentionally, and it showed. She knows... and now she's not only gonna tell her boyfriend, but he was there to see me there being a total creepshot, too. Izzy...Izzy, are you laughing?! DON'T CALL ME A SIMP!

ISABEL: Never did. But you're being vulnerable with her, at the wrong time. Too vulnerable, maybe.  She could literally be a coldhearted bastard who only wants to manipulate you. Take it from me. I had a crush on a girl in high school, remember? And I pandered, I listened to her fears, bootlicked, and she knew it and she took advantage of that.

ROBYN: Oh, that make me feel sooo much better! Well, it's too late. Too late!

ISABEL: Robyn, are you sure you're not being too deliberate with your pyramid schemes?

ROBYN: Oh, what kind of a question is that? I dunno! It's destroying me from the inside. I'm gonna throw up. Just the other day I asked a new friend to hang out with me to go to the theater. I interacted with her only twice before! Easy as that! Not really 'creepy' of me, right? And somehow, I can't get it with that other girl. I don't want Analise, Izzy! I want...

ISABEL: Jesus. Robyn, you don't even know her name.

ROBYN: SHE HATES ME NOW! Ohh, she knows. She knows.

Enter HELEN. She sees Robyn in pain and starts rubbing her shoulder.

ISABEL: That's stupid. Of course she doesn't Listen. No, listen – you're making hasty generalizations. She doesn't hate you. She doesn't even know you.

ROBYN: She SAW me. And her boyfriend saw too! As if she wasn't bad enough that I have to watch out for her, now I have to watch our for her boyfriend too-

ISABEL: "Watch out"? Can we stop projecting please? Second, she saw nothing. Well, she "saw" you. And then she forgot about you. Nothing happened. Tell me, how is she supposed to know about those grand schemes of yours? Think, Robyn. How does you standing there supposed to mean anything bigger to her?

ROBYN: Well. I just stood there. Awkwardly. But with my journal notepad. That's all.

ISABEL: There you go. Just another amateur journalist looking for people who don't wanna be interviewed during the height of class. I'm kidding, Robyn, I don't know what kind of journalist you'll turn out. But if anything, your boo thought the same thing. You're not that special. I mean that in a good way. Okay? I need to get going. Self-care to do. You familiar with it? Anyways. Ta ta. And focus on your audition!!

ROBYN disconnects.

Looks up from HELEN, who is patting her on pack.

ROBYN: I'm okay, Helen.

Exit HELEN.

Enter SERENA. 

ROBYN: No kidding.

SERENA: Wouldn't be surprised if Helen charged you for get mothered by her now. 

Background lights up.

Enter THE GIRL

ROBYN: (stands up) What are you doing here?

THE GIRL: Hello.

ROBYN: Hello?! Is that all you ever say?! YOU JUST IGNORE ME, LIKE-! JUST TELL ME THAT YOU HATE ME, GODDAMIT! (Bursts into tears) I want you to feel my pain. I want you to know how I feel inside. (Pushes The Girl, who falls over like a stiff NPC)

SERENA: Seriously? 

ROBYN: You're right. I'm sorry. I feel terrible. I need redemption now, thanks.

Two shooters with AK-15 enter from stage left.

SERENA: Okay, really!

ROBYN: Daww, hell I know! They can be Columbine copycats for all I care! Those still exist, right? 

The first two shooters fall through a trapdoor on stage. Immediately after, two other shooters dressed in Columbine outfits enter through stage left. They point their guns towards THE GIRL but ROBYN gets between them. Bang; she falls with extra flair onto ground.

Exit shooters.

THE GIRL approaches ROBYN and cradles her into her arms.

THE GIRL: Oh God...wait, stay down!! I need to call 911...

ROBYN: Ahhh! Listen, if I don't make it, you can have my favorite jean jacket. The sequined one with the Rolling Stones on it. (Cries) I'm sorry if I ever intimidated you. I couldn't stop myself. You were too beautiful. Is that wrong? Forgive me. Forgive me. (Dies)

SERENA: Dude. Would you really take a bullet for her?

ROBYN gets up. Background dims.

ROBYN: Dunno, but one can dream!

Exit ROBYN and SERENA.

Blackout.