Much Ado About Pudding

Scene III, Act I

Courtyard. Enter ROBYN in pink wig. 

ROBYN: (voiceover, to ISABEL) Okay, I admit the alcohol fiasco was stupid – I thought my stomach was gonna bleed – but I'm glad I learned. I'm just so glad, you know? At least I know what it's like to drink.

ISABEL: Well, child, I have some news for you. Alcohol is a depressant, not a stimulant.

ROBYN: Right, right, right. Well, I avoided the outside campus like a plague the next week, but then I felt shitty avoiding her so deliberately. So you know what? I found a breakthrough. I think I found a way to speak with her without it looking awkward. I think it reduced my fear of her. I am going to own my quirky "first impression."

ISABEL: And how are you going to do that?

Voiceover ends. Present day.

SERENA: So it's no man's land again, huh? Stop shaking. (Takes out a play monologue) Clutch it like a shield. An amulet! We're not gonna panic.

Nice and steady, like a ship, she doth go,

Nice and steady, she doth float

If she tips, I'm the captain heeded,

For where is one when one is needed?

The scene changes to the courtyard as students come out. Moving crowd groups in front of ROBYN and SERENA.

SERENA: Nice and easy...nice and easy...good, good...

THE GIRL slowly cuts in front of Robyn. Everyone slows down their pace.

ROBYN: Waaaaaahhh...!

SERENA: (claps hand over Serena's mouth) Shield.

They pass THE GIRL, who leans against a column. The crowd quickens.

SERENA: Heaaaave ho! (Gasps for air) I did it. We didn't freak, we didn't freak, WE DIDN'T FREAK. OH MY GOD!!! What's she doing there? Oh, eating! Just eating lunch! You know, you were SO close that we could've just sat in front of her and wrapped an arm around her shoulder! Quick, let's take another look juuuuust to prove out butts of that WE'RE NOT SCARED! Aight, there she is again! 1, 2, 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 – HALLELUJAH! Maybe a quick rundown first? Ready? Set?

Oh...oh, hi Professor! Yes, I know, I'm coming. In a minute! (Aside) SHIT. 

ROBYN: (voiceover) Unfortunately, I didn't get to spend time with The Girl, because I had office hours with Professor. I was so giddy from relief that now he thinks I'm flirting with him. That grade I got the following day didn't help my standing with him either. FML.

ISABEL: That's terrible. Robyn, you have to pull up your grades.

ROBYN: Isabel. Do you think I'm trying to flunk my classes on purposes?

ISABEL: Maybe, if you don't procrastinate like you always do!

ROBYN: (silently) why else do you think I come over here, Isabel?

ISABEL: Listen, I'm sorry to cut you off like this – but we need to stop here before we go overtime.

ROBYN: It's only like 1 minute to 3, dude!

ISABEL: I got another client coming over.

ROBYN: I doubt it.

ISABEL: Ah, I'd whoop your ass for talking back to me like that! Either way, today is half price. 30$

ROBYN: What?! That's the price of the Uber I took to get to you, you lousy piece of...ugh!

ISABEL: Last time I offered for free. That doesn't mean I don't charge for future sessions. Talk back at me like that and it's gonna be full price, Robyn, as well as making me overspend my time. $60. 

ROBYN: What-?!

ISABEL: and it'll be $100 if I ever catch you drinking again.

ROBYN: ...I love you too, sis.

End voiceover. Present-day ROBYN shoves monologue into bag, takes one last look at THE GIRL, and exits.

Blackout.