Much Ado About Pudding

Act IV, Scene I

CHRISTINE and ROBYN's flat. ISABEL is seated and talking on the phone. CHRISTINE is seated on the adjacent couch with the laptop. 

Enter ROBYN.

ROBYN: Izzy?

ISABEL: (on the phone) you cut off her tuition? Oh. You cut off her tuition.

ROBYN: Get out of my room, please.

ISABEL: (gets off phone) Hello, honey. Don't interrupt grownups when they're on the phone (On phone) What, what? Don't change the subject...Mom! Arnold is fine. No, he isn't cheating on me! Get outta here with that!

ROBYN: (to CHRISTINE) Why did you not notify me?!

CHRISTINE: That's your sister?

ROBYN: No shit, can't you tell?

CHRISTINE: No.

ROBYN: Right.

CHRISTINE: She appeared at the door. I asked what relation she had to you, but she was like, "I'm someone she knows. She's been waiting for me." Then I asked if you guys were sisters, but she kept repeating the same thing. Then she barged in here and, well, I was hoping you'd know her. I wouldn't called 911 on her if she didn't flash me her ID with your guys' last name. 

ROBYN buries her head into the couch pillow.

ROBYN: Of course she'd do that. What do I do?

CHRISTINE: You're asking me? I wash my hands of her.

CHRISTINE exits.

ISABEL hangs up.

ROBYN: Aren't you aware that there's a guest policy in dorms? Also, my roomie has decided that she doesn't like you. Get it? Christine is scared of you.

ISABEL: Don't act like I wanted to come here in the first place. There was a fire threat in the neighborhood. We got escorted out, and my boyfriend has his bandmates over at his place. 

ROBYN: Oh. Sorry. Well, I have an exam coming up today...

ISABEL: (Picks up Robyn's lease information off desk) You're also close to an eviction notice, I see.

ROBYN: Well then, Mum will have the greatest surprise when I show up at her doorstep this semester! (Beat) Did she, really...?

ISABEL: Yes. She confirmed it with me today.

ROBYN: I knew it. (Sits down) I figured it out ever since Mum ended my last conversation with her last month, calling me a "asshole know-it-all", and failing to send me the check for financial aid. 

ISABEL: But not just for the reasons you think. She cut you off. To spite me. But she'll have to try harder than that. Because last month you reminded mom to wire in the money, who then called me to step out of the deal, and then concludes with a, "Well, uhuh, maybe you can help your sister through the first semester until she finds a real job. Or college aid, or whatever."

ROBYN: Yes. That's what I wanted to talk to you about today. I'm broke.

ISABEL: Robyn me too. I knew you were going to come to me -- don't even think about it. 

ROBYN: What do I do?

ISABEL: Some difficult choices have to be made, Robyn. Are you even making it in auditions? Robyn?

ROBYN: ...no.

ISABEL: Are you even paid?

ROBYN: no.

ISABEL: Robyn, wake up and smell the real world, damn! College debt is piling up on you, and wondering whether you can make the next cut? Oh, and unpaid interning? You think that's how I made it through college and paid it all off? 

ROBYN: I. Am. Trying.

ISABEL: Listen, I can even go look for connections in my firm, if you need. Just look for a better paying job. Get a better major.

ROBYN: Come on! I'll pull through. I'm at a tough spot right now, but...

ISABEL: You wanna keep ruining your financial records? You know what? Even Mom agrees with me, actually. Did you know that, Robyn?

ROBYN: I think I'm going to get my big break in the theatre role...

ISABEL: I didn't wanna say it, little sis, but sooner or later – I'm not gonna be there to help you out! I'm already broke, but hey, I have theatre connections, purely out of sheer luck! Now, I'm still here at least. Because I care. About you.

ROBYN: ...you just said that you want to get me off your ass.

ISABEL: Financially! So that mom doesn't come after me. You know what I mean.

ROBYN: Good. Then I'm glad I'm hitting you up. I still don't know why I'm so generously letting you sleep here for a night, even when you scare my roomies and leave your vegan snail-shit toothpaste all over my sink, though. What are the names of your theater connections?

ISABEL: (Laughs dryly) Then let's just agree to work together, no strings attached. No, let me do the calling. We'll call it even. (Dials phone) You seem unusually cheery for tonight. Okay, fine, you seem unusually okay for tonight. Whose ass should I apologize for this time? Don't tell me it's The Girl.

ROBYN: Okay. I won't tell you. I'll get my billing records.

ROBYN goes into Christine's bedroom, where CHRISTINE is studying. ROBYN sighs.

ROBYN: Well, this is it, Christine. I'm going to have to cut back on veal in the market and stock up on chicken noodle cups until my – our – financial situations get better.

CHRISTINE: Yes, but don't expect Isabel to always fund you, yeah? (Puts in earphones)

ROBYN: Of course not. It's more complicated than that. Listen. I, uh...I saw The Girl today. I'm always primed whenever someone comes out of the bathroom. But today especially. I thought I was gonna have a heart attack it hurt so much! But I got my shit together, and I complimented her. Smoothly, primly. And she answered back – oh, her voice! It was so cute, like syrupy honey or something. I could tell, she sounded really sweet. Even said goodbye to me! I think she doesn't mind the last incident I had with her.

After that I pop right out the corner, with half my lipstick drawn on my face, and wouldn't you know, my smile was so wide and the lipstick so grotesque that it looked like something out of a goddamn rom com! (Beat) I felt myself like I was in a rom-com. You know, like when the guy is smiling or talking to the girl when he himself is in an embarrassing position, like an unzipped fly or something.

I talked to her. Christine? 

CHRISTINE: (pulls earphones out of her ears) Were you talking to me?

ROBYN flops onto Christine's bed and screams into the pillow. 

ROBYN: You didn't hear a word I said?

CHRISTINE: No. 

ROBYN: Well, why don't you -- SHIT, I FORGOT TO ASK FOR THE GIRL'S NAME! (Flops onto bed again)

Blackout as "The Tardigrade Song" transitions the next scene.