|2nd Book in The Devil May Care Series|
They're more alike than they think.
At war with himself, Loki struggles to get his life on track. He struggles with manic depression-in other words, bipolar. He feels alone, trapped in his own mind as he refus...
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Today hadn't started off the best, people were looking and staring at me—whispering as I had walked past and I had immediately knew that people had knew what happened to me but I had no idea how because I hadn't told anyone.
"You were asking for it." The person behind me smirks, kicking the back of my seat as I try to ignore him.
I inhale sharply, my voice is quiet, "I told him no."
"What were you were wearing?" He taunts, ignoring me completely, "I bet you were dressed like a slut, you probably acted like one too." He chuckles at my flinch.
"I said no." I repeat, my words no more than a whisper.
The class gets quiet when he raises his voice, "Whore." He spits, "You've practically fucked the whole school and now you want to cry rape." He sneers. He didn't understand that when someone said no, it meant no. He didn't understand that consent was earned not taken. He just didn't understand how it felt to have his mouth covered while trying to scream for help.
He didn't understand how much it made me hate myself. He didn't understand what it felt like to live in fear of it happening again and I hoped he never would.
"I said no." I state, my mind going blank this time.
His eyes narrow as he opens his mouth to speak but is interrupted by his head being shoved against the desk, his cheeks squished as Loki holds him firmly in place. "Shut the fuck up. She's talking." He snarls, his eyes wild with rage.
My breathing is shaky, "I said no." My voice cracking as I feel everyone's attention on me, "When someone says no, it means no. You stop. You don't keep going." I snarl, "What if your baby sister told you she was raped by someone close to you? Would you believe her or would you tell her she was asking for it?" My hands shake, "I said no!" I yell, my voice unrecognizable, "I said no and he didn't stop. It doesn't matter how many people I slept with and it doesn't matter what I wore or what I drank. It doesn't matter what I said or what I did because when me or anyone else says no then it's no." I finish, my breathing heavy as the now silent class stares at me.
My eyes meet Loki's whose staring at me with pride in his eyes, "I think you finished your list." He smiles, not even bothering to remove his hand from the struggling boys face.
"Not just yet." I inhale deeply.
-
"I was probably eight when my brother started touching me," The fourteen year old boy from the group therapy I go to says, "I let him do it." He admits, playing with his fingers, "I was to afraid to fight so I shut my eyes and blocked it out." He finishes, wiping his face with the back of his hand. "He killed himself two years ago, I think the guilt was to much for him."
My stomach twists at his guilty expression before forcing myself to look else where. Sometimes group therapy was hard—listening to everyones story made me sick to my stomach and always reminded me how horrible the world was. I hadn't spoken a word but by name since I got here, nobody had forced me neither and I was grateful but told was the day I'd get to finally cross off the last fear off my list.
My eyes find the guilty fourteen year old before I take a deep breath, "My uncle raped me." I finally say, admitting it to myself and everyone else. Everyones head snaps over to me in suprise and the therapist gives me an encouraging smile. "It happened a couple of months ago. I fought in the beginning, hoping someone would come and save me but no one did—even my father heard me scream and did nothing." My voice shakes but I force myself to be strong, not just for me but for them too.
"I felt so gross." I whisper, "I wanted to give up so bad because of how much it affected me. I couldn't sleep. I lost hair. I couldn't eat. I covered every inch of my body with clothes and showered in scalding hot water everyday until my skin hurt." I explain, feeling a warm hand resting on top of mine only to find a young pregnant women smiling at me with so much warmth. I feel the tears trail down my face but don't bother wiping them, "I felt so alone like nobody could possibly understand how I feel but Loki helped me." I shudder as I recall that night, "He let me make all my own rules."
My therapist eyes shine bright with pride that even she has tears in her eyes, "Can you tell us more about Loki?" She asks kindly.
"Loki's my boyfriend." I tell them, shyly. "He's the first person I told after I had been raped. I made him lock the door so many times, it scared him but he stood by my side through it all." I smile, "He isn't a fan of things like this," I say, gesturing towards our group. "But he encouraged me to come anyways because he wanted me to heal in a way that made me comfortable."
"He reminded me everyday that I was beautiful." Remembering every single moment I felt ugly, "He helped me through my nightmares and made sure I knew I wasn't alone," I sniffle, "He brought me to see my mom and little brother." I rub my chest, "And when I had a heart attack, he waited with me until I was able to leave." I then glance down at my journal, "He's the one that bought me this."
The pregnant woman peers over at it curiously, "What's it for?"
I swallow thickly and do the hardest part of today, "This is my list of fears," I pass her the journal that bares my soul so that she and everyone else can read it. "Today is the day I get to cross my last fear off."
"What was the fear?" The fourteen year old boy asks quietly.
A small sob leaves my mouth at how happy I am, "It was sharing my story with all of you and myself." I smile, "I was so scared to admit what had happened to me and I was in denial for such a long time but coming here and listening to you all showed me that I'm not alone." I watch as all the girls take turns reading my journal, some crying and some smiling.
"I'm so proud of you, sweetheart." My therapist says, standing up and coming over to reach for both my hands.
My lips tremble, "Really?"
She smiles bright, "You were as quiet as a mouse when you first got here, I thought you'd never speak but you proved me and everyone else wrong." She wipes my tears off my face, "Look at how proud everyone is for you," She gestures towards everyone and all their smiling faces have my heart freezing in my chest, "Today you found your voice and you should be so damn proud of yourself."
"I'm so happy," I admit, "Today was a really bad day but this is what I was looking forward too and it was worth it." I tell her, "I thought I'd never get better but you all helped me so much and I'm so grateful. I wish my mother could meet you all." The journal gets hands back to me before everyone stands up and moves to give me a group hug.
My chest concaves at the amount of love and support as I close my eyes and take it all in, "Thank you." I murmur quietly but it's more to myself anyways because in the end I chose to be strong.
I didn't give up and I didn't let myself drown.
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Author's Note:
This is probably my favorite chapter. Healing is such a scary but beautiful journey but having support makes you feel like you're not alone and I hope and pray for everyone who feels alone to find some.
