|2nd Book in The Devil May Care Series|
They're more alike than they think.
At war with himself, Loki struggles to get his life on track. He struggles with manic depression-in other words, bipolar. He feels alone, trapped in his own mind as he refus...
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I sit down by the edge of the cliff staring down at the water. It was weird how our brains worked. We always get these moments in our lives where we think about how life would've been better without us. Sometimes we look back on moments and think about how it could've been all avoided if we just weren't born. Or maybe it's just me.
I think about how easier life would have been for everyone if I just stopped breathing. Less hassle. Less worry. Or how easy it would be for me if the ocean just swept me into the dept of its waves without a trace. Erasing my existence so that I'm free of everyone's expectations and rules. Free of everyone's judgment and cruelty but then I stop and take a deep breath.
I think about every smile and laugh I shared with my mom. I think about all the I love you's we shared and all the conversations we had. All the hugs and kisses. I think about every moment she fought for me to keep living and breathing. How hard she worked so that I could live the life she couldn't. I think about Amir. I think about his sweet giggles and soft hugs. His efforts to comfort me when I was sad, his laughter whenever I reached out to tickle his small feet. I think about how sad he'd be if I died.
I think about Azrael. My best friend. I think about everything she's sacrificed for her brother and everything she went through with her mother. I think about how hard it must've been for her to keep going but she did it anyways. She pushed through. It didn't matter how tired she was, she did it. She's happy now and sometimes I wonder how? How could she possibly be happy after everything she's been through? Why were her smiles so effortless and her shoulders much lighter? How does she do that? How can I do that? How can I be strong like her?
I watch the water move below me, the wind blowing at my hair with ease and I feel like I can finally breathe again. The sky was gray, matching my mood for the day. I could feel the soft drizzle of rain hitting my skin gently, sweeping me into a wet clouded hug. I loved the rain. I loved the ocean. I loved how peaceful it was and how beautiful it moved. The water was dark today, moving with the wind as I pictured myself in the middle of it. Breathing it in and filling my lungs with a handful of cold salted water. I picture myself panicking for a moment, fighting to meet the surface again so that I can breathe again but then I picture myself stopping. I picture myself closing my eyes and letting go of that regret. I picture myself accepting it and I almost smile at how peaceful I look. How free I feel as I lose myself in the ocean. No longer trapped inside of the shell of a broken heart but a free soul whose finally escaped.
I close my eyes and just breathe. My shoulders no longer feel heavy and my head feels empty. I feel a smile grow on my face for a moment but then I open my eyes and I'm trapped again.
I'm no longer free of myself but trapped. I feel that somber feeling creeping up onto me again as I tuck my knees into my chest. I'm stuck. I'd always be stuck if I didn't find a way to stop whatever was happening to me.
"It is that easy. Just fuck someone who doesn't look like me. Problem solved. It's not like you'd have a problem doing it anyways." I feel something in my chest crack as I remember Loki's words. Did he really believe that? Is that why he didn't want me? Was I really that easy? I never really thought about it before. Sex was an outlet for me but was it really that much of a problem? I haven't been with that many people. I don't think I have, at least. Have I?
