Turn My Grief To Grace

"look at me bella"

This is a cut chapter from my book "Where Are My Eyes If They're Not Forward", centring around Maya Bishop and her mental health struggles. I loved this chapter, but the idea didn't fit with the story. I didn't want to put Maya, or Carina through this- it felt predictable. Nevertheless, I thought you'd like to read it.
Trigger Warning- Self Harm

Carina

"Hey Bella!" I call down the hall of Grey Sloan.
Maya is sooty and sexy- and sweaty from carting a casualty into the ER.

"Mmm hello." She hums as I lean in for a kiss. We have a dance perfected, where she leans forward more than me, so my scrubs do not get dirty when she's just come off a call. Needs must.

"What time do you finish?" She asks.

"6pm. The worst shift." I roll my eyes.

"Only because you can't wake up for 6am!" She chuckles.
I laugh with her.

"I finish at 4- well technically 3, but I have some stuff to do at the station."

"Bella..." Maya knows how I feel about her working overtime, especially when I can see the strain it's been taking on her mental health.

"I'm all good Car. I just have boring paper work that I'd rather not take home."

"Okay. Si. You can leave boring paperwork at the station, and come home, giving me your undivided attention." I smirk.

"I will be there." She confirms with a smile. "At 6:30, when you get home, with a film and wine."

"Perfecto."

I'm pleasantly surprised by my interaction with Maya. For a while I've noticed her to be angry, not with me, but with herself. She seems to be beating herself up over something, punishing herself. She's not hiding in her bunk or neglecting her duties, instead she's been internalising her frustration and the inner monologue set alight by her father has been burning undoubtedly strong. It's nice to see a glimpse of the warm Maya again, even if it's a five minute interaction with my sexy firefighter.

Soon, I am pulled away from the station 19 firefighters by Amelia and her baby daddy troubles. I wave Maya off.

The evening we spend together is pleasant. Maya doesn't eat much of the takeaway pizza, which is a clear sign of her anxiety, and considering the issue is food, I'd be right in thinking that her run in with her father is what's causing her anxiety.
I try and keep her mind occupied with movies. We start light with an old Italian cartoon, but Maya tries to one up me with some crappy American hallmark film. I wouldn't of expected her to swoon over the lovers- I certainly didn't. Maya is astounded- even offended- when I remark that I haven't seen Mean Girls, so of course, that's the next American crap I am subjected to.

"This can't be what high school is like in america." I pout.

"It's dramatised." Maya doesn't tear her eyes off the screen. "It's not far off though."

"I am not often glad that my brother came to America without me, but I am happy to have avoided high school here."

"I avoided a lot of it too. Track took up so much time."

"I know Bella." I smile ruefully.

"Don't give me sad eyes Carina. I'm fine."

Are you though? I thought to myself. Nothing about Maya tonight seems fine. Nothing about Maya in the last fortnight has seemed fine either. She's hiding something. She's lying about something. She's always anxious when she lies. Guilty, as if her father knows of her infraction and is waiting for the right second to kick her in the gut with it.
What is she hiding?