Turn My Grief To Grace

"just a baby"

I'm aware this doesn't fit with the relationship canon. Derek was with Addison at this point in the show- but for the sake of this one shot, he has been with Meredith since he divorced Addie and came to Seattle.
Anyone seen that tiktok I'm just a baby!!! I quote it at least once every class.
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Bombs.

Bombs don't go so well with hospitals. It's rare for America, to have patients with bomb injuries, even rarer for patients to have bombs in their body cavities.

Perhaps that's what made the bang so loud. Maybe that's what made the smell of burned flesh so horribly pungent. It could be, that it wasn't the horror, but the rarity of the horror, that sent Meredith Grey over the edge.

"Where is she?" He called, weaving through people to reach his girl, who emerged vacantly from double doors, dressed in sweats with wet hair and a bandage on her face. His girlfriend was held up by two interns, her best friends. All three wore a sorrowful look on their face- the dark haired intern uncharacteristically quiet, the blonde hiding her own tears, and the littlest intern in the centre, well, Meredith could hardly walk.

"Derek!" She broke from her vacancy upon seeing the furrowed brow of her boyfriend, and it was as if a seal had been broken. Snotty cries echoed around the hospital reception. An older resident cleared the space, giving the couple privacy.

"I've got you Mer. You're okay. It's over." Derek chanted on repeat. He spoke so many times, his words reached a predictable rhythm, one Meredith synched her breaths too. And for that reason, he deliberately slowed down.

"That's it baby," he cooed. "Slow breaths."

"I'm fine. I'm fine." She eventually repeated, building a higher, thicker, stronger brick wall around her emotions than the one that had just crumbled on Derek's shoulder. She shoved it down. All the pain and horror, and that god awful smell, patched up with the stitches on her brow.

Stoicism worked for Meredith Grey. A thirty minute breakdown was enough for her after a life altering trauma. A man exploded in front of her. A man she had built a rapport with. A man who saved her life. Died for her. Thirty minutes was enough to cry over that. Ellis Grey would've agreed. Or perhaps she would've argued that 25 minutes was a more acceptable time frame to dwell over ones immediate traumas.

She slept on it. Things were always better in the morning.

Things went well for days. 14 days to be precise. Meredith took two days off, one of which was her usual non-working day, but returned to work for the last day of the week as if nothing happened. Residents marvelled at the intern, especially those who were making regular use of the trauma counsellor hired that week, despite not having witnessed the explosion first hand. The sound was traumatising enough for some. The bomb. The bang. The screams. The panic. The goddamn fire alarm that wouldn't go off.

Meredith had a wobble on day 10. A crash cart was knocked over directly behind her, but by the time the mess was cleared by another intern, her heart had steadied to her usual 79bpm.

"You look a little flushed." Bailey said, as Meredith shakily emerged from the supply closet.

"I'm fine Dr Bailey," She reassured. Because on day ten, she was fine. Waking up on day 11, she was fine. Day 12 felt tricky, but in the morning of day 13, she was fine once again.

But Day fourteen exploded like the bomb.

"My God, My God," Meredith chanted. "My fucking God. A man died in front of me. For me. He exploded. Oh Jesus Christ. Jesus fucking Christ. Bang bang bang. Fight or flight and I fucking stand there. Stupid stupid stupid stupid. I'm just a baby. A stupid pathetic baby. I should've died. Not him. Me. I should've died."