'Date, Me.'

Is This Love?

*Song: Back in My Arms by Charlie Hanson

Oh my God.

She is so cute. And she's looking at me!

Wait, why am I feeling this heat? Why is my heart beating so fast?

Oh, no, my stomach feels funny...I just had a big lunch, please don't throw up.

...

That's exactly what I felt when I first saw her, the girl one grade above me. The first girl I ever fell in love with.

But, I didn't know I liked her that way. I thought I only thought of her as a 'very close friend' because back then, apparently, gay people didn't exist. Not in my hometown anyway.

In my middle school, in a class of 20 boys and 10 girls, the odd to have a queer girl was pretty low.

Unfortunately, I had to be the first one.

I had no clue what it meant.

So, naturally, I messed up before I even had a chance to know what I felt for her was 'romantic' not 'platonic'.

And writing cringe-y love letters wasn't a good idea in a small middle school full of hormonal mean and stupid teenagers.

I remember her friend came up to me and asked, 'Are you gay?'

I didn't think I was, so I said, 'No? I just think of her as a good friend.'

Yet, all the jealousy towards another boy in my class fancying her showed otherwise.

Only years later, I learned that 'jealousy' came from a place of insecurity.

Back at that moment, I just hated him so bloody much.

I thought I was being protective of her because that boy was a prick.

At one point, I even thought I loved her.

And I told her that.

Before she suspected I was gay, she actually said it back quite often. But, I guess she didn't mean it.

Hell, did I even mean it?

From the heartbreak I experienced after she started ignoring and avoiding me, I'd say I very much meant it.

Was it real though?

Now looking at it, probably not.

It was more or less an obsession.

How to tell the difference?

Well, when you feel like you want them to be 'yours' and feel this heaviness on your heart when you see them with other people—this is probably obsession.

I wanted to 'own' her so much that I overlooked so many flaws in her.

So yeah, if you want to stop obsessing over someone, don't just cast an energy-separating spell, think about their flaws, those little things you can't stand.

If even with those flaws, you still have very strong positive feelings for that person, well, you might truly love them—just in an obsessive way.

Oh hey, it's normal to feel obsessed or insecure—the temptation to hold onto that person hard—especially when you're in middle school, when you're still figuring things out, or when you turn out to be the first queer person in your social group.

The sense of 'belonging'.

Thinking I'd be happy once I find 'true love'.

Hate to break it to you, but true love isn't out there.

It's in here.

But you know what, we all have to go through this phase of searching for our identity in life.

We've all been obsessed with someone or something, and that's okay.

It was what the heart desired, and that was all that mattered.

Stay true to your feelings, so even when it came crushing down, you wouldn't regret any of it afterwards.

So here's to my first 'love' and the first heartbreak of the many ones to come.