'Date, Me.'

Coming of Age...sucks.

*Song: Eastside by benny blanco, Halsey, Khalid

What age do you think you are a 'grownup'?

Or do you ever feel ready?

I'd say I have been one of those overly mature people since I was 15...

Oh well, but don't we all feel so?

At one point, I couldn't wait to grow up and leave home and start my own life.

I thought 'finding someone to settle down' was the ultimate goal for a grownup.

So, I built my life around that concept.

I thought if I was smart enough, I could find a good job and earn good money so that I could find love.

Or if I was pretty enough or tall enough, maybe I wasn't so smart, I could still have a look-based career and attract love.

However, what if I am neither?

How could I turn my life around if I didn't have the success or the good look?

Who would I be without any of those, without love?

What would other people think of me?

Am I a nobody?

To be honest, even after stepping into adulthood for quite some time, those questions still surface when I am feeling low.

I know people look for different things in life.

For me, it was—and still is—all about love.

There is nothing greater worth investing my time and energy into than love itself.

Yet, I once felt like I didn't deserve it.

I felt like I had to 'work for it'.

I felt like someone couldn't just like me without me making some sort of gesture or effort.

I felt like love wasn't easy.

For all my teen years, I've been chasing after love, improving, changing, adapting myself for the ones I fell for.

In the end, I could barely see what I truly wanted.

I was so much of a people pleaser, that I ignored or endured all the things I didn't like so that they would keep me around.

I thought that was growing up, that was coming of age.

Truthfully, many adults are like this indeed, for survival.

But that's no way to live.

We shouldn't have to bend our boundaries for people.

The more we bend, the more they step on us.

Live your truth.

What is my truth? Or what is 'the truth'?

For me, living to my fullest is the truth.

Yes, there's time you'd feel lost and stuck and worthless, but they will fade.

Because you'd realise everyone feels the same about themselves no matter how glamorous or confident they show.

So if someone says mean things to you, tell them, 'I pity you.'

Nothing more.

Trust me, they're going to start doubting themselves.

//////

I remember the first time I left home was to spend six months in a foreign country that I've never been to.

Do you know the first thing I did after I settled in?

I downloaded Tinder. Yep.

I was one of those online serial daters (might still am hah).

Back then, Tinder was 'purer', I'd say, not so many people using it as a booty call.

The point is, I felt quite lonely and felt the need to have someone to talk to, and it wasn't exactly easy to talk to random people on the streets, so dating apps were (still kinda are) the best option.

But, fair warning, if you consider yourself a genuine and nice and possibly a bit naive person, don't be surprised to be offended or hurt by the people up there.

Not everyone is as good as you.

So, if it's your first time using any sort of dating apps, remember, guard your heart.

You have no idea how many people appear interested and lovely at the beginning, just to hook you up and leave you hanging at the end.

Tough lesson to learn.

And I thought I was 'grown' enough for all the dating fuss, but I wasn't. I got hurt, badly.

I was just lonely. So I really shouldn't have been dating.

When you date out of loneliness, it's doomed to end tragically—either you get dumped and feel even more lonely, or you wind up in an unwanted relationship and hurt someone else.

Oh well, the only bright side of it is you'll have many stupid stories to tell your kids in the future (shout out to Ted in HIMYM).

One last thing, if you're trying dating apps now, DON'T use Tinder.