'Date, Me.'

How should I label myself?

*Song: ME! by Taylor Swift, Brandon Urie

Let's start with a fact I recently learned—there are only two genders, male and female, in the UN's definition for 'gender'.

I was genuinely shocked.

What about intersex people?

They are born with two or more sex characteristics, why is the world forcing them to choose one or the other?

And why do we ever have to choose? (shout out to the non-binary fellows)

I always feel lucky that I am at least certain that I see myself as a girl/woman/female.

But don't get me wrong, there are times I just wish I were a man (totally relating to The Man by Taylor Swift)—guys don't have periods, they don't have to wear bras (well now I don't anyway hah), they can build muscles more easily, they're usually not the victims of sexual assaults...

There are lots of things/opportunities that men seem to have more than women.

But the world is changing now.

Aside from periods, I rarely think about it anymore because for one, if you're a heterosexual man and you're less than 5'7, you'll have problems in dating.

I am not saying straight women are superficial—but aren't we all a bit?—I'm just saying, from what I've observed from my straight friend groups, the 'ideal height' for a boyfriend is at least 5'7. Usually, the standard is 5'11.

So yeah, as a 5'3 minion, I'm totally not thinking about being a dude anymore.

But well that's just my point of view.

My point is, coming to terms with what 'gender' your body sits comfortably in is hard enough.

Now, there's even sexuality we have to think about.

And it's not so black and white since gender and sexuality are fluid.

Before I knew all that, I had a hard time labelling which 'type' of lesbian I am.

When I first realised my sexuality in middle school, in my community, there were only two types of lesbians: tomboys and femmes.

Now looking at it, we basically put the whole man/woman dynamic into a same-sex relationship—someone had to be 'the man' between two girls, otherwise, no one knew how to act.

I could blame that on ignorance and juvenility, but I clearly wasn't thinking straight.

Oh no, correction, I was thinking way too straight.

I was never that kind of girl loving skirts or dresses or makeup—and I refused to wear anything pink—so after coming out, I finally stopped trying to be a girly girl to fit into the straight girl group.

It was liberating, and since I didn't feel like a girly girl, I thought I must be a tomboy. Problem solved.

It sounds so easy, right?

But no. When most tomboys back then had short boy hair and I had a long ponytail, I felt the same pressure of fitting into the box as with the straight girl thing.

I could justify myself by saying short hair doesn't suit me, yet I know I just like my long hair, the presentation of my 'femininity'.

Even though I kept my hair, I started dressing very boyish—loose ripped jeans, guy's T-shirts with big skulls/demons, thick metal necklaces, big masculine rings/earrings...

I basically dressed like a junior gangster.

I admit, part of the reason was that I was going through a rebellious period, but for the most part, I was trying to look 'tough' so that I could attract girls.

Gosh, the length I went for love.

So did it work? You might ask.

Unfortunately, nope.

And most of the clothes from that period of time went to charity.

What exactly is my 'stand' as a lesbian? I often asked myself, as if being lesbian wasn't enough.

I wasn't masculine enough to be a butch, not even a tomboy, and I certainly wasn't feminine enough to be a pillow princess or simply a fem.

I questioned my look, my clothes, my behaviours for years.

And I have to say, all the questioning didn't go away all at once.

It took me a long journey of experiencing and experimenting.

I realised I changed the way I presented myself when I was around different people.

Dating-wise, when I was with my first girlfriend, she was a cute princess, I was quite a masculine tomboy.

When I was with my second, because she was a more butch-energy tomboy, I became a bit more feminine (aka the small spoon).

When I was with my third, she was fem-looking but had a more masculine personality, I was, compared to her, more tomboy-looking (not as tomboy as before tho) but with more feminine qualities.

Which is the version I want to be tho?

I would say the third because that is the one I feel the most comfortable with.

Yet I have to confess, I tried so so hard to be the guy in all the relationships without realising.

Therefore, I always felt somewhat exhausted...and that sums up the endings of all my romances in the past.

After all the exploration for my identity, I promised myself, always be true to what I want for myself.

Being a version of us just to please anyone or society isn't worth it. Seriously.

And there's certainly no box for us to fit in.

Sure, we have to understand ourselves before we date anyone, but it doesn't mean we have to label ourselves.

You can know exactly what you like or don't like but still can't find a label for it.

so now, I truly don't believe labels work in dating.

If a person doesn't want to date you because you're bisexual or pansexual or non-binary or anything despite how well you get on—well, you might as well ditch them.

True values lie beyond those frames we try to fit.

Of course, I still get insecure about what other people might think of me sometimes, but I am trying not to because I like how I am.

So, you do you, sis/bro.

The world will be a better place if we can all be who we are and accept others as they are.

**link to the types of lesbian if anyone's interested (I had no idea there are so many)

Note:

Hello fellow readers! Thank you for making it this far! I'm impressed :)

For now, this is all I have in mind. I'll update more if I have more random shit to say lol

Or let me know if you guys have any ideas you want to discuss, I really appreciate your inputs :)

Also, if you like to see some lesbian drawings, you can check out my Instagram @msssdoodle ;)

Feel free to show your support on ko-fi (link in bio). Every little motivation helps!

Have a lovely day! 🌈