'Date, Me.'

I'll never find someone like them.

*Song: Thru These Tears by LANY

I say that after every heartbreak, which is actually true.

You'd never find two completely identical people, not even if you clone them.

And you don't want another person like them.

You want someone more suitable for you.

If you're falling for someone with the exact same bad-boy traits and red flags, you're stuck in a cycle called limbo.

Yet, how to know who's more suitable for you?

Hm, first, you need to recognise what wasn't working—not just all the quite obvious red flags you chose to ignore because they're smoking hot.

Things that don't align with your beliefs and boundaries.

Like where to leave the keys or if you wear a mask when you feel a bit unwell...small or big stuff.

Then it all goes back to knowing yourself first.

Here we go again.

When I was still going through my 'super-sponge' phase, I thought I'd be compatible with anyone I fell for.

But that was only because I didn't know my own boundaries.

'Boundaries sounds so harsh and serious. That's not me. I'm chill and easygoing.'

That's how I felt when I first heard of it.

Well, that was only half-true.

Yes, when people cross your boundaries, things can get serious and ugly.

It doesn't mean it wouldn't happen if you don't set any boundaries.

...because you already have, you just haven't realised it yet.

Boundaries are similar to your principles.

They're something you don't wish to break or cross.

The only noticeable difference is, boundaries are what you want other people to respect and follow, principles are what you expect yourself to follow.

Do you feel upset when your mum or siblings walk into your room without knocking?

That's a boundary.

Do you say to yourself you'd only wash dishes when the sink is full?

That's a principle.

Nah. That's called laziness. But you get the idea.

So, if you don't establish your boundaries and be firm with them, you can't really blame people when they keep stepping on your sacred lines of personal space and treating you like shit.

Disclaimer, the boundaries I'm talking about are more of a 'personal preference' thing; it's nothing like 'they pick on you because you don't stand up for yourself'.

Bullying and any sort of abuse are wrong. Always.

What I mean is, people don't know how you'd like to be treated if you don't tell them.

Like, I don't like people helping (interfering) while I'm cooking.

My mum always barged in and tried to help.

I knew she meant well, but there was just this burning irritation in my chest that I couldn't shake.

So there were only two choices—either tell her about it, or suck it up.

I chose to tell her. And it was alright.

Note that, when you decide to suck it up, you can't hold grudges against the others because it is your choice.

And it causes many mental issues in the workplace.

I'd say we all have the choices, but at times we'd feel like we don't.

Things get a lot more complicated after you start working and supporting yourself.

But that's another topic.

When you're dating someone, you should feel like you're 'equals' because you're not dating your boss (or are you?).

Let the person know what you like and you don't and expect them to respect your boundaries.

If they don't, you can stand up and walk away.

In return, when they establish their boundaries with you, listen carefully, and respect them so that you don't get a slap across your face.

//////

And how to move on from heartbreak?

Well, always time.

But of course, you have to distract yourself in between.

That's where the classic rebound move comes in.

Sure, going on dates and immersing yourself in boobs and booze sounds terrific—but you wouldn't feel like it because all you think about is the person you just broke up with.

And yes, over time, if you binge-date enough people, moving your energy onto this new person, you'd forget about the last one faster.

But, if you're not careful—of course you're not—you'd be stuck in another rebound cycle to forget this new person because they treated you poorly and dumped you (no surprise).

I'm saying this because it happened to me.

I was like 'yes now I'm not feeling sad about my last person', then the next second the new person texted and said 'I think we should just be friends'.

The Universe loves messing with me.

So what's left to do when you're healing from a heartbreak?

You're going on a date.

With yourself.

Don't shut away those painful memories about the past.

Quoting from the Motivation App I've been using:

'You've already been through enough pain to make it this far, so why not keep going and get a reward out of it?'

The reward is growth.

I believe people are in our life for a reason (and sometimes just for a season), and there's always something to learn from.

It can be as small as knowing how you're actually allergic to seafood or how you secretly like the mixed taste of cigarettes and alcohol.

Don't let yourself hurt in vain.

Take as long as you need—probably should not be more than a year—give yourself some time to clear your mind.

If you feel like doing nothing other than being a couch potato and eating ice cream (this is a weird breakup stereotype), go for it.

If you feel like burning all the photos and cards they wrote to you, go for it.

If you feel like calling your friends and trashing your ex, go for it (but make sure those are genuine friends that won't spread what you say around).

Cry your eyes out and grow. You deserve better.