'Date, Me.'

Should we get serious?

When do you feel like you're serious about someone?

Or rather, when do you think is 'healthy and stable' to enter a serious relationship?

I know I'm serious about someone when I can make my signature babyface in front of them.

As for the timeline, I always thought it didn't matter before I realised I always jumped in too fast without really knowing the person.

My ex said 2 years, well...I'd say at least 3 months.

As for marriage, 3-5 years sounds good to me.

One thing I've learned from all the failed relationships (or situationships) I had is that 'it's better to be late than sorry'.

Premature commitment is the death of your future happiness. I'm serious.

Most of my past relationships ended because of it.

I'm not saying love at first sight isn't real—but if you don't tread it lightly at first, serious fights are bound to happen.

When you are in the honeymoon phase (which can last from 3 months up to 3 freaking years), everything the person does seems cute.

When those rosy glasses wear off, tiny things like the amount of coffee they drink might start irritating you.

How much do you actually know about the person?

How do you know they're not serial killers or sociopaths? (Thriller soul activated hah)

I admit that the mystery is sexy. It is something that keeps me longing for a person.

But, that's definitely not a quality I'm going after when I'm entering a serious relationship.

I need to know I can trust them.

So yeah, as alluring as mystery sounds, I'd rather be able to read the person like an open book than guess what they are up to all the damn time.

This might sound insecure, but it doesn't have to be.

Insecurity strikes when you know the feelings you have for the person isn't reciprocated.

And this often happens when you are invested in the person too soon too fast.

I know, I get that very strong pull towards my ex in the beginning.

Within a month after getting to know her, I deleted my dating apps and focused all my energy on her.

Then I got insanely insecure and jealous one time because I noticed she was texting me and the girl sitting in front of me (her friend who I always suspected that secretly liked her) at the same time.

By that time, of course, we were nowhere near a serious relationship, but I knew I was already all in.

And I thought my problem was just being insecure about myself back then.

But, no. It was the fact that I was already committed to her when she barely had any feelings for me.

This premature commitment often leads to what I've mentioned before—obsessive love.

The reason why we have this kind of 'love style' can be traced back to many things.

Usually, it has something to do with childhood trauma.

No, I think I had quite a happy and peaceful childhood. I'm not traumatised!

Are you sure?

In case you have the same misconception about 'childhood trauma' as I did, I have to tell you that everyone—yes everyone—bears a form of childhood trauma.

It doesn't have to be something very serious or scary or painful—you have to remember, as a kid, you learn from your environment, from the people closest to you.

And those people aren't perfect. We're not perfect. We make mistakes. We do stupid things.

So, you might have picked up some things from those imperfect humans that eventually have negative effects on your adult life.

And that is childhood trauma.

A little vague?

Okay, let's get personal here...(well that's all I've been doing isn't it?)

I always thought I had a 'healthy and perfect' childhood, but when I looked into it, there was constant fighting between my parents.

My mum used to tell me that marrying my dad was the decision that ruined her life when she was mad (and she often was).

I knew they would've divorced if it wasn't for the kids.

So, when I was in my teen years, I didn't believe in marriage, and I thought kids were just liabilities, things that stood in the way of freedom.

Yet, at the same time, I was craving love because I didn't feel it in my family.

That's where the 'one true love' idea came in (after reading a ton of romance novels that got me shortsighted ugh).

I felt like my mum met the wrong person aka my dad, so she was unhappy.

Therefore, I thought if I found the right person, I'd live a happy life.

And kids really shouldn't read those overly romanticised stories—it gave me a really unrealistic idea of how 'true love' should be.

The vibe, the connection.

No joke, just one look, I could envision my whole life with that person.

So yeah, I either dived in and burned out too soon too fast, or I got really obsessed and got my heart broken.

So no premature commitment. 3 months minimum.

Another thing—if your person makes you feel like you have to work for their love, run away as fast as you can.

You deserve love by just existing, being you.

Don't get me wrong, I love doing or receiving romantic gestures, but they should be something out of love, not because you fear that if you don't do so, they'd love you less.

I once struggled with this. I was constantly planning for my next romantic gesture for my partner up to the point where I ran out of ideas.

I was exhausted, and I took it out on her.

She never asked for any of those things or acts, it was me who thought that I had to do all that to earn her love.

Because I didn't feel worthy of her love.

And that was not true.

So, only get serious when you know the person enough and love them for who they are, and they you.

By the way, if you're interested in healing your inner child (childhood trauma), go do the 'attachment style' test first (link in the comment).

It will show you your attachment style to your dad, your mum, and your partner. Then, you can find out how your behaviours/mindset are linked to your childhood experience.

Hope you all find clarity and healing in it.