'Date, Me.'

I have STANDARDS.

*Song: Ça ira by Joyce Jonathan

After all those disastrous dates, I thought I had learnt my lessons.

I felt like I knew exactly what I wanted in a person.

So like every sensible person, I made a list of every quality and every physical feature I want for my person.

They have to be kind, fun, deep, open-minded, taller than me, dark-haired, blue eyes, can speak at least one language other than English (preferably French or Spanish), good at their job, better to be good at finances...

All that.

I mean, a girl can dream, right?

But the question here is, do you want to keep dreaming or have the actual person in the 3D?

What? You say you prefer dreaming?

Fine, then you can skip the whole book, this isn't for you.

For those who prefer a flesh-and-bones, I have to say:

Ditch half of the requirements on the first date (except for your boundaries of course).

What if you only have one? Oh well lucky you, I believe you've just found the one!

Come on, we all subconsciously hold quite a lot of standards for an 'ideal' partner, otherwise, dating apps would have run out of business already.

What if I just 'got a vibe' that I like them?

I agree that liking someone starts with a vibe, but developing that feeling into a relationship requires a lot more than that.

But let's start from the beginning.

On the first date, vibe checking is the priority.

I have to admit, vibe checking was never a problem for me because like I mentioned, I U-hauled.

So when I met them, I was usually already infatuated with that person.

All my vibe-radars were broken.

And, that's bad. That's where I started projecting my ideas about 'how they should be based on my poor judgment' onto them.

I idealised them, even when they didn't even meet half of the things on my list.

We probably didn't even want the same thing—she might want to be polygamous while I want to be monogamous, or she might want a dog while I prefer a cat.

Things like that.

But, I felt like I liked them so much, that I was willing to bend my own rules for them.

Once again, it's a boundaries thing—like how I still prefer to have my own room after living together, or how I don't like people going through my mobile even though I have nothing to hide.

Oh, and how I don't like eating in the bedroom because I'm afraid of cockroaches.

I remember I was so in love with this girl at first that I didn't stop her when she ate biscuits in my room.

I didn't feel like it was such a big deal at first, but after that chemical affection died down, I became very irritated whenever she tried to eat in my room.

So, it caused quite some tension between us.

It wasn't her fault.

We just had different habits.

And that's exactly why boundaries don't count as things you can cross off on the first date.

Learn from my mistakes, don't just talk about stupid memes or shows you watch on Netflix.

If you really want them, get inside their brain—understand how they operate.

//////

Another thing to check other than vibes is core values.

Your core values are what make you YOU, and making sure your love interest shares them is a healthy start for something more.

Of course, no one's core values are identical to the other, but it's not so hard to find someone with similar values.

As for what I mean by 'core values', it concerns how you view these three aspects:

Life, money, and the world.

I believe life should be a good balance of fun and work. And even if the job isn't exactly my passion, it's something I can enjoy and can excel at.

I believe money is useful, but if I can find a way to live without it, I'd ditch it all happily.

I believe the world is a beautiful place (although climate change will probably destroy it in 50 years). Humans are one, so there's no need for discrimination. At soul, we're all the same.

So what's yours? What do you believe?

I must say, it took me some time to phrase them precisely when I was writing this.

Be firm with your values, and if the person you're dating can't resonate with them, you can wish them a lovely day and finish your drink and go.

Kidding.

Even if you don't share the same values, you can still enjoy the date.

Isn't it nice to have a good chat sometimes?

Just tell them you think you're after different things at the end.

As long as you didn't let them pay for your food and drinks, I think you'll be fine.

If the date goes well, you can take out the other half of your list.

Examine each quality while dating the person, make sure what is absolute and what is somewhat bendable.

And the qualities for the appearance should be put at the bottom of the list.

I am not saying you should disregard appearance completely because that'd be a big fat lie.

I care about how hot my person look just like everyone else.

But, you'd make it hard for yourself if you put those superficial things on the top of your list.

Let's face it, hot people are more likely to be fuckboys/fuckgirls because they are hot.

You wouldn't be doing yourself any favour by only looking for beautiful-looking people and expecting them to be nice.

There are definitely nice hot people, but you'll probably have to be fast enough—they're usually either taken or on the way to be taken.

Go for someone who looks decent and makes you comfortable.

They may not be your type at first, oh well, you may find that changing soon.