To Be Different

Chapter 23

Mom and I sit across from each other in Debonairs.
She has chosen this place because no one really comes here.
People where more into ordering at home.

She looks like me. Her hair is just like mine. Her eyes hold the same sadness like mine.

We're just the same, similar and yet different.

It's been about thirty minutes of just awkward silence.

Or nervous silence so I decide to be the first one to break the silence.

"H--he was playing me." I say my tears spilling out. "He... He was just using me for revenge on his cousin."

Maybe something that will make me feel better.

I'm not lying am I ?

She clears her throat, masking up every emotion that was on her face.

"Men are trash." A flicker of pain crosses her eyes. "They don't think about the aftermath or how you're feeling."

Yep! She is definitely talking from experience.

"He kissed me." I blurb. "He was my ex friends crush and he crushed on her too but he said he likes me and he kissed and .... It was the most magical thing that's ever happened to me."

She smiles at me sadly. "He was your first love, wasn't he?"

"I.. I don't love him. But he was my first crush!" I laugh nervously.

Do I love Paul?

"Mmmh!"

"I mean... He's always hated me since sophomore and he's never spoken to me before, that's until Hazel came to our school... But..." I slow down my eyes clouding with tears. "Why did you go away mother?.... Why did you leave me?"

I didn't think I would say that. My romance trauma was different from the pain that my Mom left me.

She blinks tears from her own eyes, looking guilty and hurt.

Why was it hurting her?

"J-jessica!"

"You went without saying goodbye. I waited for you to come back and I cried when your phone was off." I sob. "Day's turned into weeks. Week's turned into months. Month's turned into year's but you where still not there!"

I wipe angry tears away. "Dad promised you will come back but you didn't. I...." I look away from her tear strickened face trying to find the right words. "I went through the worst because I didn't have a mother. I don't celebrate my birthdays either because what's the point? And you know what the worst thing was?"

"J-ess!" She sobs.

"My Mom never attended to any of my school meetings. I was always attended by my teacher and everyone made fun of that. You know why? Cos I'm different. And lonely and a nerd and I.." I let the hot tears run down my cheeks. "I'm mom sick. I want my mother. I want her to advise me when I'm feeling down. When I'm making wrong decisions, because mom? I just want you there."

I break down after my speech.

"Honey." She sobs. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that you felt like that sweetheart."

However, her apology doesn't seem to work.

All the year's of hurting can never be ceased away by an apology.

''It wasn't my intention to leave honey. It was for the best."

Our eye's lock. Hers hold sadness, mine anger.

"Best?"

She tries to hold my hand from the table but I jerk away.

"Yes. " She pauses and I can tell it's a bit hard apologizing. "I thought leaving was the best. I didn't want to hurt you when I was around."

I don't understand. "How would you staying hurt me?"

Tears leave her eyes. "You where too young to understand by then. I did so many bad things that could hurt all of us..."

"You could've just said it!" I snap at her. "You could've come back mother. You could've just left with my number...."

"Don't you think I tried that?" She snaps back at me. I tried coming back everyday. Everytime. Every year since your tenth birthday but your father wouldn't let me."

I look at her surprised. In tears, she continues. "I fell sick just before your fifth birthday. The doctor said I was dying, with only few weeks left. I decided to go and die wherever I was going. I was so in love with your father, I couldn't just stand there and watch him hurt from my death or watch you grow alone without a mother so I left. I waited to die but I didn't. The doctors increased the day's. I was going to die in two years time. By then six months have passed. I wanted to come back home but seeing you all in pain hurt me more than anything, so I stayed back. I would send you presents and watch you go to the park but I didn't have the courage to. Years passed and I stopped believing the doctors. I decided to come home but your father didn't want this time. He was scared I would just hurt you and slow down your growing process."

I'm so shocked by this new story. And surprised and saddened.

"Mom!"

"I was so stupid to believe what the doctors told me. They where trying to find ways to break your Dad up with me. I was stupid to not stay and just grieve the bad luck with my family. I'm so sorry honey. I shouldn't have done this to you."

I never had trust issues before, but knowing my DAD, he was the type to do stuff in private but never to hurt me.

After ten seconds of stunned silence, I laugh hilariously. "This sounds like a Dhar Mann film. Honestly!"

She doesn't react to this. "I suddenly lost my appetite."

We stand up in conjunction with each other.
Grabbing my handbag, I splash out of the restaurant.

How will you feel if your whole life was a lie?

"Jessica!" She's hot on my trail.

"Dad moved on." I stop to look in her eyes. "I guess the mission has been completed."

"I know honey. I just..."

"And I have a small brother. He's going to turn a year soon."

I look away from her, controling my tears.

"I'm here for you huney. I just want us to go back to normal."

Her sentence cuts through my flash like a knife.

"Thanks for coming to see me. I have to go back home or my parents will never trust me again."

I walk a few steps away and then turn dramatically.

"My Dad and his girlfriend. My new mother."

"I love you Jess." Mom says in a muffled voice. "I wish I could set everything right again. I wish I gave you the future that you deserve my daughter. I wish so bad but I can't. It's all I think about everyday."

I look at her slowly, taking in the trying if her word's but I know everything's changed and there's nothing we can both do.

"I'm sorry my love. You have been and will always be my first priority in life. I wish I could change everything but I can't. However, I love you so much. I don't care whether your father has moved on, I am here for you. I want to be there for you. If you give me the chance."

I go into her arms, sadly. She hugs me tightly, making up for all the times we missed in my childhood.

"I love you too Mom." I say in a muffled voice, my nose hurting from the process. "I'm sorry, you had to go through all that Mom!"

She holds me tighter, and I rest my head on her chest, hiding all the emotions that have been keeping me in a box my whole life.

"I'm sorry too honey." She repeats my words in a loving and caring tonne. "You don't have to fear anything anymore my darling. I am here now."

And I held onto her, allowing her motherly words to touch my heart and soul.

God, how much I missed her.

My heart was almost complete.

I'm sorry for the late update. I have been so busy trying to figure my life out.
Hope you'll love this one.