Messy Love (Ed Sheeran)

Not The Same Anymore

Barbara POV

The pain.

You don't understand how difficult- how real the pain feels when it's hit every part of you- every single part. Your body, your soul, your mind. The emotional pain... Is nearly unbearable.

To feel pregnant just less than a few hours ago, then to be sitting here- knowing that I have something that is no longer living inside me. Something that once made me feel so strong - was now breaking me down piece by piece, hour by hour.

The next three weeks would be torment, because I knew I'd have to deliver him.. I'd have to have him naturally and I felt incredibly saddened to know that I'd never have a chance to see him with eyes open and smiling- but without any signs of life.

I couldn't bring him to life.

That killed me.

The fact that my body was not good enough- that I wasn't good enough.

I felt disgraced...

And after those 12 hours of delivery, when I saw him there, held him in my arms for a few moment before I knew I'd have to let him go- I realized I wasn't going to be able to get out of this trance that had begun.

I watched the nurse walk away with my little boy, my lifeless stillborn- and I watched the clock- each minute ticking... Hoping that she'd return with what I had imagined- what I wanted and looked forward to the last 5 months.

The small hand on the clock had circled twice already... My vision blurring as my body grew fatigued.

I only closed my eyes because I had to- because I knew it'd be an escape from this pain.

And what hurt the most is that when Ed would speak, I would only listen, then cry for words wouldn't form- just emotions.

And he would cry- and I couldn't look at him. I couldn't. I felt like I was letting him down because I was. I let him down, and our child. I let everyone down.

My heart was aching and my soul was tormented in grief... And somehow in the 3 days I didn't speak a word- I realized I was being selfish...

I knew that making Ed cry is the worst thing I could do. So I stopped crying. I stopped the silence.

I spoke.

And I don't know where the words came from- our the breaths, or the giggles here and there as time passed. I don't know where those things came from.

Because I still felt empty.

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Ed POV

"Want some tea?" I offered, sitting up from the silence of our hotel room- relaxing on our two day off from touring. Tomorrow we head back to America.

"No thank you," she said softly as she furrowed her eyebrows, her intense gaze that looked through the glasses she wore that burned in the book she wrote in.

She never let me read it- and I respected that, I guess. The doctors said it'd be good for her emotionally- because they noticed how much the miscarriage had affected her.

"Coffee?" I continued, watching her from over the counter of the kitchen.

She didn't even look up, she grimaced.

"It's okay, babe. Thanks," she said in the same monotone.

I nodded and looked down, staring at the glass of the tea maker...

It's been exactly 4 months since she miscarried- and somehow I felt like it was my fault..

Maybe I shouldn't have made her tour with me...

Maybe I shouldn't have stressed her out so much...

Maybe I shouldn't have gotten her pregnant...

Maybe I'm the reason she's like this.

"Ed?" She called, and I looked up to find her gazing at me directly.

She noticed my tense drifting position and as I stared, she smiled- not whole heartedly, but a little more genuine than usual.
And my heart warmed up a bit.

"Thank you for the flowers yesterday," she murmured- and I blushed. She continued to look at me until her eyes gleamed more and more, but then I realized she was tearing up. Her lip quivered as she frowned and I darted to her. The little bit of a smile gone.

I sat down and pushed the book away, and she pulled back from me to grab it, shaking her head. She looked back up at me with remorse.

"I'm- I'm sorry," she said as if convicted.

I shook my head, holding her close.

"You need to be stronger than this," I said in a sigh, trying not to cry myself- I've been trying not to be this sensitive anymore. She didn't respond through her sniffles and I kept quiet.

I pushed her body up and her legs over my lap, cradling her a bit- she was so much more lighter than before... Was she losing weight? It felt like it.

I didn't like it.

I kissed her temple as she cried, her tears soaking into the hem of my shirt as she whimpered into my neck.

It hurt me- it hurt me a lot to see her like this...

Seeing her miserable- it made me miserable.

And it was another night that I watched her and tried to see what I can do to make her right..

I began to think of all the things I can do- that she loves- and how I can make her the happy Barbara I missed because honestly, she just wasn't the same anymore.