𝑺 𝑬 𝑹 𝑬 𝑵 𝑰 𝑻 𝒀 (18+)

forty-one

                                    N O A H

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You made my mother your enemy.

We would both pay for that.

                                           ...

My mother wasn't always unreasonable. She used to be loving and supportive, but tragedy turned even the warmest hearts cold. She became obsessed with my life along with Bev's. She wanted us to strive for greatness and accept nothing less. She was so scared that one of us would do something to potentially ruin our lives she didn't realize she was doing it for us.

I loved my mother but I hated who she became. Sometimes it felt like she hated it too but she couldn't stop herself. She wasn't made to be a spiteful woman, if she was she'd have better judgment. She loathed you but adored Katrina and Sunny. Two of the vilest human beings I'd ever met in my life.

Most people would say that said a thing or two about my mother but I couldn't believe that. She wasn't always like this, I really hope you see that now Serenity.

The thing was, she'd always liked Sunny. Sunny wasn't always terrible either. She used to be sweet and kind and genuinely wanted to make an impact. Only tragedy didn't change Sunny. Fame changed Sunny. My mother saw her greed as ambition and wanted me to be with a woman who could compete with my drive.

When Sunny called me that night I knew it was my mother's doing. I couldn't tell you that then because I knew how it would've looked. She'd just hadn't stopped talking about her and how good we used to look together. Sunny and I's relationship was nothing more than a favor to me but to Sunny and my mother, it was so much more. She would stop at nothing to get rid of you, even if that meant putting my future at risk in the process.

I was embarrassed, I was angry, and I was hurt Serenity. Forgive me for keeping that from you but it wasn't one of my proudest moments. Having to go against the board or public opinion was fine but my own mother? My family hadn't been perfect for years but that was my final straw. Family or not I wouldn't associate with someone who risked my well-being to get what they wanted.

Do you see now Serenity? Why all of this was so complicated. It was bigger than just you and me, there were so many pieces working against us. We were just too wrapped up in our own shit to see it coming. You used to tell me about the calm before the storm whenever you got an idea for your writing. Moments that were sweet and subtle, so sweet and subtle you didn't recognize the danger sprinkled throughout it. I used to think it only belonged in fiction but now I see it was us.

Now I truly understand.

I wanted to tell you about Sunny, believe me, I did. You had just been through so much in such a short amount of time I couldn't add more to your plate. I was going to handle this for you, just like I would've handled everything else because I cared Serenity.

I wouldn't let Sunny, my mother, or anyone else for that matter hurt you because I couldn't stand seeing you hurt. I wanted to protect you from the world and it shouldn't have been hard for me to tell you that but it was so I could take you being mad at me. I could handle the yelling and the screaming and I could handle you telling me the worst things about myself. Because if that's what was going to keep you safe, I would've gladly done it.

You told me you'd gotten the clarity you'd been searching for and as much as it burned me to hear I wanted that for you. I wanted you to go to France and get everything you ever wanted. I wanted you to get as far away from me as possible because it seemed like the closer we got the more I ruined things for you.

I didn't want to hurt you, and I didn't want to confuse you. I didn't want to make you cry, I didn't want to see you in pain. I wanted you to be happy Serenity by any means necessary.

I could hear you now telling me that this was a cop-out. That it was just an excuse to further avoid my feelings and maybe you'd be right. Maybe it was a cop-out and maybe I wanted to persevere myself a little while longer but wouldn't we both be better off that way? You'd be going to France and a broken heart wouldn't last long there. I would go back to throwing myself in my work but I'd always remember the impact you had on me.

That would last forever.

I didn't want to tell you the way that I did. You just wouldn't stop pushing Serenity. My delivery may have been wrong and sure I could've told you sooner but would that have made it any better? Maybe the arguing was a good thing. Maybe we should have taken it as a sign. We were too passionate, too stubborn together. When it didn't involve sex we couldn't get along. It was a harsh reality but it was the truth.

Or maybe we were both just sabotaging ourselves because we feared the worst. We both knew that this wasn't going to work, so instead of ending it we fought and we came up with excuses only to place the blame on each other in the end.

My only regret was not letting you go sooner.

Maybe then I would've realized just what I was missing before it was too late.

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