You asked me many questions Serenity but this was never one of them. What made you different? Out of all the other women I'd been with, why was it you that made me see things clearly?
The answer was simple.
They just weren't you, Serenity. No one could compare to you.
...
I didn't want you to go to France. It was incredibly selfish of me but it was the truth. I wanted you to stay in Seattle with me for just a little while longer, just until I figured things out. I knew it was a good opportunity, I could see how bad you wanted it, but I didn't want you to go. Which was why I told you, you had to. It was fucking backwards. It was absolutely mad but that's how everything was lately. You had somehow managed to turn my life upside down. To think it all started when you grabbed my hand that one night in the Poconos and asked me to call you by your first name. It was ridiculous when you gave it some thought.
Calling you by your first name was the worst and the best thing I ever did for you, did for myself. It opened a door Serenity, a door I had no clue how to maintenance. But change was good..right? I was changing ever so slightly, I know you noticed it too. It scared me and it scared you because we both didn't know what was coming next. Sex was what we agreed on, not companionship. I felt it before your conference but that night it hit me like a ton of bricks. Watching you up there, how talented and passionate you were. You were a force to be reckoned with. Inspirational. God, how could I ever suggest keeping you a secret? You deserved so much better than me Serenity but I was too selfish to give you up. You gave me something quite literally irreplaceable. You gave me perspective.
You challenged me Serenity and I wasn't used to that, but I liked it. My word was never final with you. You asked questions and you called me an asshole when I was being one. You didn't hesitate to call me out and correct me when I was wrong. You knew the privilege you had and you weren't ashamed of it but you also didn't brag. You were humble and you understood the value of a dollar. You knew what hard work meant. You didn't let the opinions of others stop you from doing what you loved and you spoke out against injustice. You wanted to be seen but you also wanted to be understood. You were more than nice, you were kind. You were patient. There were so many things that drew me to you that I didn't fully appreciate when I had the chance. Even with the drinking, you were one of a kind Serenity.
Any man would be lucky to end up with a woman as remarkable as you.
Decisions. This was one of the many times in our relationship where I was faced with a decision. I never seemed to make the right ones when it came to you, this one was no different. I should have told you that I was feeling confused. I should have told you that it was no longer just sex. For some reason, I found you in my dreams, that beautiful smile and silky voice waiting for me. I found myself wanting to be around you all of the time and making bullshit excuses to do so. You noticed but you never said anything. Why was that Serenity? Was it because you were afraid? Afraid that if you pointed out the obvious I would lash out and ruin what peace we had? Were you scared that the feelings I knew you had for me wouldn't be reciprocated? Would you tell me if that were true?
Those fears were valid, and they were true. I didn't know how to give you all of me. I had been unavailable for years Serenity but you came along and changed all of that. Things were changing too quickly for my liking, I didn't have any control. I needed control Serenity. I needed to know that there was one part of my life that I had responsibility for. I wanted you to be spared from my anger, my distrust, and my confusion. I didn't want you to see the parts of myself that struggled. I didn't want you to see the Noah Harrington that didn't sleep because his head was filled with nightmares. I didn't want you to see the Noah Harrington that wept over a simple tattoo. I wanted you to see the me I had control over.
That was why I could never give you all of me Serenity.
These are not my excuses, I don't want you to think I am excusing my behavior. This is my confession. This is how I right my wrongs. Our wrongs. So I want you to think hard about those months we spent together Serenity. From the moment you told me about France in October to the very last day of February. I want you to think about them and never question how real it was, for me and for you. What I felt for you was honest Serenity and I'm a fucking asshole for taking that away from you.
Those four months were the beginning and the middle Serenity.
I'm sorry I couldn't give you a better ending.
♥
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I'm sorry too dickhead.
Also ik a lot of you are from tiktok so hi! there's so many Serenitys in the comments and it's hilarious😭Sorry for having your name in a sex scene besties :/
Who thinks Noah will tell Serenity how he really feels about her ? 🤨
