You were right about Summers, you were always right about everything.
I know you loved that.
...
He gave me an ultimatum. Showed up with a file in his hand, supposed proof of our relationship. I knew it had to have been out there, that was always a threat but I didn't expect him to go out of his way and search for it.
He said he used to think so highly of me and asked how I could throw everything I worked for away for just another warm body. I mean, I could have anyone. I had money, power, I was attractive. I didn't have to go after someone I worked with. I think his exact words were, "you could have any slut you wanted but you chose her?"
I know what you must be thinking, and if you're hoping I punched him in the face I did. A couple of times actually and then I had to recollect myself. I told him I could give a fuck about him threatening me or what power he thought he had over me. I knew what I signed myself up for, knew exactly what power that contract held but if I wanted to fight for Ivy I would.
And then he continued talking.
I gave him a tissue for his bloody nose and he explained that he did want Ivy for a time. He thought I didn't deserve it and that my judgment was clouded. When I found out that he was the reason Bullion knew where we were that night I saw red. I wanted to kill him. Bash his head in with the nearest object I could find but I thought of you.
You'd never come to visit me if I was wearing orange.
Like the psycho he was, he admitted to being entertained by us sneaking around. That at first it was about taking a company away from an underserving brat but then it turned into something new. He didn't just want the company he wanted me to choose. Wanted me or you to suffer I wasn't entirely sure.
The board whether they agreed with him or not would have to co-sign his decision to request me to step down. No one had dared dispute him so he wasn't worried about being outvoted. My options were simple, I could admit to having the affair and accept my punishment. Being shunned from all of my hard work forever.
That would eat me alive. It was my life, I put my everything into it. I was nothing without my work. I'd have you but there would always be something missing and I think I would resent you for it. I hoped I wouldn't because that would be awful but I was human. I experienced human emotions and I would resent you for my loss of Ivy.
We wouldn't last long under those circumstances.
My second option was to let you go. Break your heart most unimaginably and keep Ivy but be miserable for the rest of my life. Knowing that I hurt you once again and there would be no do-overs would kill me Serenity. Not having you in my life wasn't worth all the work and long nights if you weren't there to tell me everything was going to be okay.
It was going to kill me because I loved you Serenity.
I love you.
You could see how I found myself in such a predicament.
It was a lose-lose situation. My mother had been working against me, all cards were stacked against me. I was the bad guy in every outcome. No matter how many times I flipped the coin it was always going to be heads because Summers wanted mine.
So I thought about what was important to me. Above all the bullshit what really mattered you know? What would be the best decision? A decision that would help me get at least an hour of sleep at night.
That was why I asked you if you were sure about France. I wanted to make sure your heart was set on it before I made my decision. You said that if it was you, you would make the sacrifice. You would give up everything to protect the one you loved—
So I'm begging you, please don't hate me Serenity.
You were my everything, and I gave you up to protect you.
I wasn't going to choose you Serenity.
I was going to choose Ivy, not because I wanted to but because it was best for you. I would break your heart but you would be fine. You could survive it. I wanted you to go to France without any hang-ups. I didn't want you to be thinking about calling me or making sure I was okay.
I had been alone for most of my life Serenity. I was used to solidarity. It would be hard to go back to that after you but I could try. I would have to try.
I wanted you to get everything you ever wanted and you couldn't do that with me in the picture. You'd be too distracted. Too worried about wanting to make us work you'd lose sight of what you were there for.
I wanted you to be successful because I believed in you. If I had to I would stay away. I would fill my entire house with books of yours if it meant I could keep even just a tiny piece of you.
You changed me for the better and I will always be grateful to you for that. Always love you for that.
I thought hard about what I would do if you found someone else. I don't think I ever could. No one would ever compare to what you'd given me. No touch or kiss would feel the same. No voice could call out my name and make me feel the same way you do.
But if you moved on I would be happy for you because you deserve it. You deserve to find love without any hang-ups or reservations. You deserve the world, a world I couldn't give to you, not in the way I wanted to.
Bev and Andrew tried to talk me out of it you know. They told me I was making the dumbest decision of my life and maybe they were right but it would be selfish of me to hold onto you when you needed to be free.
My father had given up his first love, I guess that was fated for the Harrington men. Love them and lose them and spend the rest of your life wondering what if.
I know you probably think this wasn't my decision to make. That we could've worked through this together and came up with a solution together but that was the problem Serenity. I had become an extension of you and I didn't want my influence to taint you. I got everything I wanted. It was time for you to do the same.
So I'm sorry Serenity. If I could I would spend the rest of my life making this up to you but I couldn't.
I know you hate me and I don't blame you.
I can only hope that now you see the way I truly saw you.
I'm sorry it took me so long.
♥
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