Lacuna (Book two to Attraction)

6.

The terror of not being able to trust myself makes me want to run and hide, I don't ever want to hurt the people that I love, and how I was able to control myself around my mother is beyond me. But I'm grateful that I have people like Paul, Quil, Renesmee, and the rest of the pack to support me. I can't imagine this is easy on anyone, especially for Paul... He knew the human me and while he says he loves me no matter what, I know I've changed so much.

This wasn't my choice and if I would of had it my way I would have preferred to stay a human, but I know even then I wouldn't have aged. The familiar ache in my chest of sadness hits me when I realize that I'll never get to have a child. It hurts.

The thought of have a little mini Paul or mini me running around makes me so happy, but now knowing that isn't going to ever happen makes me hurt. Having children is something that always dwelled in the back of my mind, who knew this would happen?

The gentle stroke against my back pulls me out of the thoughts when I look over to see Paul. "Are you okay, baby? You're zoning out again."

We have been driving in the car for the past hour, Paul suggested that we make a campsite in the woods for a few days while Renesmee visits so I can have a little more training on being around humans. This should be interesting.

"Yeah, sorry. I'm fine." I lie. I'm not okay, I'm feeling every emotion in the world right now.

"You're not..." He gently coaxes. A large breath leaves my parted lips. "What's on your mind? I can tell you're upset."

"I don't really want to talk about it right now. If I talk about it, I won't shut up and there isn't anything I can do about it any way." I respond truthfully. It's true, time can't go back and there isn't any possible way I can have a child.

"Well when you're ready, I'm here." Paul adds comfortingly, I gently squeeze his warm hand.
It's a bright and sunny day today which normally I would feel pretty nervous about considering how I haven't got my new abilities under control just yet. But since I'm going to be in the sun with people I can trust, I don't feel as nerve wracked as I normally might.

The tent is already set up thanks to Paul coming here the night before. It's a large tent with a tight zipper, and lots of space on the inside with one large comfortable looking sleeping bag inside. My eyes flicker over to Paul who is carrying a box of graham crackers, a bag of marshmallows, and another bag of chocolate squares. I giggle at his camping buys while he just smiles cheekily at me, looking quite proud of the fact that he brought all the supplies to buy s'mores.

"I guess I know what we're doing tonight." I mention while he places the food inside the tent. Paul turns to face me before placing a kiss on my lips.

"Yes. I'm finding a way to melt this chocolate and then licking it off of you." He mumbles against my lips, I swear I could feel heat rising to my cheeks right now if I had blood in them.

"Okay, do it again but try it for longer." Renesmee speaks, she quickly hits the timer on her phone again. I close my eyes before taking a step back into the sun, it's warm and tickles my skin in a way.

"Is it working?" I mumble.

"You're doing it!" She cheers. "Okay. Hold it, hold it, almost..."

"I don't know if I can." My voice quiets. Renesmee has been trying to get me to make my skin look human in the sunlight for longer periods of time, she claims if I keep practicing that I'll perfect it in no time.

"Breathe, I know you can do this." I hear Paul whisper softly, human ears would have never picked up on the hushed tone. My nose sucks in a cool breeze of air while I try to focus on what I'm doing, my eyes slowly open as I look down at my un-sparkling hands.

"It's working." I mutter in disbelief. "I can't believe I've held up for this long."

"Five more minutes to go," Jacob adds. "This time try walking a little bit. It'll be more of a challenge to hold it, but it's possible."

"But she's doing so well." Paul chimes in my defensive.

"Well, she's going to have to keep it up once she's on a street full of humans on a sunny day." Jacob responds, I do my best not to think about being around humans like that.

"Okay." I mumble. My legs press forward against the ground while I stay in the sunlit path on the mountain top, a small smile forming in my lips.

My skin instantly begins to shimmer causing my smile to fall.
"Crap." My voice utters in a hush.

I can feel everyone's eyes on me but they don't look disappointed, just worried about me. 

"I can do it again." I add. Now feeling the need to prove that they don't have any reason to worry about me. Renesmee clicks the timer and nods assuringly, but my eyes focus on Paul who's now removing his shirt.

"What are you—" I begin. I know he's planning on phasing in a moment; but I'm not sure why right now. Unless he has something planned in mind.

"Remember that day we both chased the deer through the woods?" He asks, I nod. "This will be just like that except there's no deer and it's sunny out." I can tell he's really trying to keep me motivated which makes me feel happy, he always has my best interest at heart.
"Okay, I can do that." I respond. "Maybe."

"You can." Paul murmurs, and I smile feeling a little bit of confidence now. The flash of human Paul and the wolf version of him always seems to amaze me when his transformation takes place. Within an instant I'm face to face with the familiar warm eyes, a low and inviting hum comes from his throat as if he's trying to encourage me.

"One" Renesmee genius counting. "Two.... Three!"
My legs suddenly carry me through the forest while the wind of Paul running beside me sweeps my hair out of my face. Before I was bitten I would have been afraid of tripping over a rock or falling over with running at a height and speed like this, but now all I know I need to focus on is keeping my skin it's camouflaged shade. 

"You're doing it, Willow!" I hear Renesmee call out from below us. Paul rushes past me before he begins running back down the mountain, I reach the very top before turning to run back toward him. The smoke grows on my face when I reach the bottom of the mountain where everyone else is, Paul nudges my shoulder with his nose in a happy gesture.

"That was a record. You held it the entire time!" Renesmee cheers, Jacob remains his happy expression.

"I'm sure you'll be able to be around the humans in town in no time." Jacob adds in.

"I hope so. It would be nice to be a little more human again." I tell them. Referring to how I miss working and doing simple things such as grocery shopping. Even if I'm not doing the eating to fill my stomach, it would be nice to actually cook for people again.
"We're going to head out for today, I'll be back tomorrow the same time." Renesmee says before giving me a gentle hug. Her friendship means so much to me.

"Thank you." I murmur into her hair.
Within an instant she and Jacob are gone leaving Paul and I in the woods together. My body turns to face the wolf that towers over me, my fingers gently scratch the fur under his chin. I smile at the delighted sound he begins to make at my action.

"I couldn't have done this without you, and I'll get even better now." I tell him, Paul leans into me suddenly making me feel warmer though the cold doesn't bother me.

"Thank you." I whisper happily.