Lacuna (Book two to Attraction)

2.

It isn't easy returning to the town that holds Paul's face everywhere I turn to look. Being gone a couple of weeks wasn't enough time for me to figure out my feelings, it wasn't long enough at all. Except I don't have a choice but to come back, lying to my mom isn't going to solve anything— The only thing I can do is keep pushing forward and keep maintain my act of appearing to be human.

Maybe if I'd of stayed in Forks it wouldn't be this painful to return, it wouldn't hurt at all because I would have grown accustomed to my daily routine of attempting to cope. To cope with my new life as a vampire, to being around humans, to learning to cope without Paul again.  The familiar smell of my apartment fills my nose along with the sentimental scent of Paul which doesn't cease to cause another pang in my chest.

"Of course" I groan when I spot the light blue t-shirt laying on my couch.

It's Paul's and I'll have to remember to give it back to him at some point. My eyes flicker to the bag of unopened chocolate bars that Renesmee brought over a few weeks ago—Since they aren't expired I decided on sitting on the couch and eating one of them.

The taste makes me feel happy and warm, I grab another chocolate bar before finishing it off, my eyes glance over to Paul's shirt while I reach for another chocolate bar. While I break off a white chocolate square with small cookie pieces crumbled I shove the bite in my mouth. Why did he have to lie to me? Why couldn't he have just been honest with me about this entire thing from the start, it would have made everything so much better. But no he didn't do that, instead he tried to cover up the truth which was knowing that I was endanger, that my life was going to possibly change forever, he knew about everything.

I'll bet he even knew my dad was in Forks before I did, he just decided not to tell me. My thoughts are interrupted by my phone ringing, I let out a sigh before looking down at my phone to see Renesmee's name popping up on my screen.

"H—"

"Willow, are you okay?" She sounds as worried as my mom did when I talked to her yesterday morning. Maybe I shouldn't have ignored everyone like I had although I just needed to be alone and have my space.

"Yeah, I'm fine..." My eyes glance over to the shirt and the five chocolate bar wrappers on my lap. "I'm sorry I should have called or texted" I let out a breath.

"Don't beat yourself up, I was worried about you though... We all have been" She responds gently, I lean back against the couch after grabbing a caramel filled chocolate bar. The wrapper crinkles as I open it. "What's that noise?"

"Oh, I'm just opening a chocolate bar"

"Are you eating the chocolate I bought you?"

"Yeah"

"Can I join you?" Her voice perks up, "We should catch up and I miss seeing you"

"Oh, I mean, yes but I don't have anymore chocolate" I admit now feeling embarrassed. If I were human I'm sure my stomach would have the ache of it's life by now.

"Don't worry, I'll swing by the store and pick up some more. Do you want Ben and Jerry's?" She offers, what did I do to deserve such a good friend? My lips curve upward weakly. "Yes, please" I tell her, "Thank you"

"No problem, I'll see you soon"

"You too" I mumble while taking another bite of the chocolate, I hear Renesmee laugh softly before the call ends. My eyes glance down to my phone screen while I begin reading the missed texts I have.

Hey, still alive? Lol. Sorry, bad joke, I haven't heard from you in a few days. Quil 08/12

Willow, Paul just showed up to my house. He's drunk and really beside himself. He said you left? Quil. 08/14

Text me when you can, I hope you're okay. Renesmee. 08/15

I'm here if you want to talk, let me know if you need anything. Renesmee. 08/16 After three missed calls from my mom, Quill, aunt Layla, Renesmee, and Paul I decided to not click on the texts he's sent me, if I read those I'll probably end up crying and I am tired of doing that. The knock at my door after a hour is sweet relief of my pesky thoughts about Paul and everything that's happened. When I open the front door Renesmee has two bags full of chocolates and two pints of Ben and Jerry's for both of us. Her cheerful smile is refreshing, she pulls me into a hug despite her arms being full.
"It's so good to see you" She mumbles in my hair, "C'mon lets stuff our faces" I let out a laugh while helping her with the bags.

"And then I told him not to follow me, he didn't. I stayed somewhere in the woods of West Virginia, it just felt so good to run away... from everything" I confess to her, she nods but sadness holds her eyes while her brows pull together tightly. I take another bite of my chocolate bar while the familiar sting in my chest grows, chewing it slowly before swallowing it and speaking. "I don't understand any of this, he didn't have to lie to me but he did. If he would have told me the truth and not hid the fact that my life was going to alter then we wouldn't be in this mess"
Renesmee nods her head understandingly, she looks so surprised but I can see the sympathy in her eyes.

"You're right, he didn't have to lie to you, what he should have done was to just tell you the truth about it all. I hope I'm not stepping over all my lines by saying this but what he did was a idiot move." She pauses, "With that being said, I also know Paul loves you with everything in him. I know he would do anything to keep you safe including lying to you for whatever reason he thought was acceptable even if it isn't. If you don't want to talk to him, I get it and I'm here for you. But if you decide that you do want to try and reconcile with him then I'll still support you." She adds in a comforting tone, I take another bite of my chocolate before pulling her into a long hug.
"You have no idea how much I appreciate you, thank you" I tell her and let out a stimulating breath, our hug breaks while we make eye contact again, Renesmee smiles genuinely. "Of course. I'll always be here for you, you'll never be alone"

When Renesmee leaves I'm left alone with my wandering mind and thinking deeply on what she said. Maybe she's right, I know Paul would do anything to keep my safe but by lying to me about something that serious for who knows how long wasn't the way to go about it. How am I supposed to trust him again if he's lied to me about something this life changing, I can't even have children if I wanted to now. Sure, that's probably beside the point right now but it's my life that changed. After putting away the ice cream and deep cleaning my apartment, I decide to lay in my bed for old time sake though sleeping isn't part of my life anymore either. The bed for me is comfortable and soothing, like a cup of hot tea on a cold day for a human or basking in the warm sunlight when it's early in the morning and cold outside. But Paul's skin feels much nicer than this... I frown and run my fingers through my hair while I stare up at the ceiling. I've got to stop thinking about him like that right now, he lied to me and I can't keep thinking about his warm skin or how comforting it is the listen to the sound of his heartbeat. Thinking about him like this is going to be hard for me to break, it makes me feel so vulnerable and weak to keep him on my mind even after all of this. I decide on grabbing my phone and reading through the messages he's sent me, I know I shouldn't but it's been itching me to know what he's said, while sucking in a breath I turn over and click on the messages from Paul.

I'm so sorry. The message is dated the night I left while the message was sent to me at 3am.

I don't deserve your love or your forgiveness but I'm begging you to hear me out. Two days after I made it to West Virginia.

Tell me you hate me, tell me I'm horrible, just say something to me so I know you're ok. This one is dated the same night Quil told me Paul was over at his house drunk. I can't look at these anymore, it's more painful then I thought it would be. The idea of him being drunk at Quil's house is even more heartbreaking after reading these. After locking my phone I decide on closing my eyes and listening to the sound of the sounds of the night, the soft taps of the rain, the rustle of cars driving by. Anything to focus on right now to try and ignore the pain that is growing in my chest tonight but Paul's face isn't far from my mind.