Static Sound (Muke)

twenty two

// twenty two // luke //

"Get up, let's go do something."

"I don't want to do anything right now," I say.

"Luke, you've been mourning for a month. Get over yourself now, let's go out somewhere."

"You go ahead, I'm gonna lay down, I'm feeling sick." I get up off the couch and walk to the bedroom I'd been staying in for the past month, it was cold and lonesome, didn't feel like home at all.

My mother tried to get me to go out everyday, but I was never up for it. I was sad.

She was always gone, anyways. Either at work or out with her friends, I didn't have a single place to go or anything that I needed to do- I just spent all my time listening to music.

My mother's place wasn't exciting at all. It was a two bedroom apartment right in the middle of the city. I didn't know how to surf and she wasn't willing to teach me, and since it was just her in the house there weren't any video games or movies she kept. I tried watching TV once in a while, but Mum canceled the cable long ago so all we got were news channels.

I thought I'd be over it, I thought that everything would just fade away by now. But I woke up every morning expecting to run to Michaels door to get him up early so we could write songs before rehearsal started. I watched all our videos, crying through everyone. Mum walked in on me once watching our 'Teenage Dirtbag' cover, and immediately shut the laptop and told me that I needed to do something real for once, music wasn't worth my time.

She left without me today, decided to go to some party with her friends. I was always left at the house. I hadn't played my guitar in ages, I haven't sang, haven't written a song.

I sat in my room for awhile, headphones in and blowing out my ears. I took a quick break from them to go grab a snack, but right when I exited the room I heard the phone ring. It was weird at first, I called for my mum to come and get it, but then realised she wasn't home and must've forgotten to take her phone out with her. She was long gone and obviously wasn't coming back for it, so I decided to answer it myself.

"Hello?" I said.

"Luke?" My heart stopped. It was Ashton.

"Ashton! Holy shit!" I yelled.

"I can't believe you picked up," He said, his voice all high because he was so excited.

"Mum left her phone at the house while she went out with her friends. How come you called? Holy fuck I can't believe you called.." I brush my fingers through my hair, feeling relieved.

Ashton laughs. "I called to say hi, how is it there?"

"Shit. One hundred percent bloody shit." I say.

"That sucks.." The line goes dead for a moment, until he picks up the conversation again. "I talked to Michael yesterday.."

"Oh, how he's doing?" I figured he'd just gotten over everything, he didn't seem to even care about me anymore because he hadn't taken the chance to say goodbye, so I thought him and Calum were just getting on as best buds like I never existed.

"Listen, Luke." He groans, talking slowly. "Michael's kind of falling apart right now.." Everything stopped. The world stopped turning and the wind stopped blowing. The words he said struck me.

"Falling apart?" I question.

"After you left, Calum came and told him everything that really happened because he seemed to be unclear of the situation. Calum asked about you, and Mike went off about his and your relationship, which sent Cal away and they haven't talked since. That night, Mike had a huge panic attack right in the yard, all the neighbours were out watching. He's a wreck, pal."

I didn't think it'd be like this. I was so crushed by everything Ashton said. I felt so bad for him, how could I have ignored the fact that he's an unstable kid, he's always been, and I was oblivious to his feelings. He thinks that this is because of him, he thinks that he's caused all of this.

"He's having lots of trouble, lots of anxiety.."

I interrupted him, not being able to hold in everything. All that I was hearing made me sick and antsy. "Oh my God, Oh my fucking God.." I covered my mouth as I sobbed.

"Calm down, Luke. It's alright, he's going to be okay."

"No, Ashton, he's not who you think he is, he could be hospitalised by this, you don't know what he's capable of.." I can't breathe. Everything is coming to an end.

"I've taken care of it all, trust me. We're all gonna be okay.."

Right then, I hear the door open. I turn my head to see my mother standing in the doorway, and I freeze in my place.

"What are you doing on my phone?" Her tone is harsh, voice deep with anger. I hang it up without saying goodbye, praying Ashton doesn't call back thinking the line went off or something.

"I was just.. I uhm.."

"Was that Ashton?"

"It was.. Cos no.. Yes." I stutter, finally telling her the truth because I know if I lie then she's going to blow a fuse.

She drops her stance and folds her arms. "What do you have to say for yourself, Luke?"

I didn't know what I had to say. On any normal day with her, where I'd typically get in trouble and bullshit my way into getting out of it, I would've been safe. I was thinking of giving her excuses or even just giving her what she wants, but instead I let my heart out. I said what I needed to say, not what she wanted to hear.

"I need to go home! I hate it here, I rather kill myself than live with you! I want to go back to Ashton! I want to be with him and my friends, with my guitar and where everything feels okay! I feel dead here! Let me fucking go home!" I shout from the top of my lungs.

Right when I say it, I regret it. I was crying, my throat was sore and my face felt hot. There was no telling what she was going to do with me. "I didn't mean that.. I'm sorry, I-" I start, but it's too late for apologies.

She walks right up to me, standing nose to nose. Her hot breath hits my face as she whispers "Go to your room, and don't come out, because I never want to see you again.."

I stomped around to the room. Everything in my body hurt, I was having issues breathing and the room was closing in, I felt like I was going to die.

"Oh, and Luke?" She calls.

I turn around, scowling at her. She grabs my iPod, which I'd left on the counter by her phone, and watch as she snaps it in half with both her hands. They weren't too hard to snap, I'd done it before, but it crushed my heart that it was broken, because it was the only actual thing that kept me sane in this little apartment.

I pretended that I didn't care, though, walking back into the room as if it were nothing. But once the door is shut, I fall onto the bed and ball out my eyes, crying more than I ever had. I was so frustrated, so completely upset, I'd given up.

---

"He sleeps alone, my heart wants to come home, I wish I was, I wish I was beside you..

He lays awake, trying to find the words to say, I wish I was, I wish I was beside you.."

I had so much time on my hands to sit around staring at the ceiling, even in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep. While doing so, a song came to me. It was random, hit me like a punch in the face. I sat up immediately to go and write it down. Yes, it was about Mikey, because I just couldn't get my mind off of his damn feelings. I'd always known that he was different, issues surrounded his world and it was hard for him to deal with himself, and now once it's gotten to completely bad I'm afraid of what could happen. It wasn't right, yet it wasn't just one persons fault, there was a whole group of us who contributed to this feeling together. And it fucking sucked.

"Cos we both fall asleep, underneath the same sky, to the beat of a heart at the same time..

I'm so close but so far away..

Can you hear me?"

He's my sunshine, and he was fading away..