Static Sound (Muke)

twenty eight

// twenty eight // michael //

I had hope that my father would get over himself, and realise that I was still the son he raised and loved him very much.

But he didn't.

All he did was file out the divorce papers right in front of me.

My mother cried, I held in my tears. He said that it wasn't appropriate or humane to be living with someone like me.

I remember every second of that day when he said he was leaving. He took my mum aside and told her, then she told me and we cried together. I knew that my dad wanted to cry too, but he didn't. He was too selfish, too heartless to let his tears fall.

All his bags were packed up by Sunday. Everything happen in slow motion, nothing was real. Every step that he took, from the top of the stairs to the front door to the bottom of the drive way took an eternity. I certainly didn't want him to leave, but I just thought of it being better for him. If he didn't want me, if he didn't want my mum, then he could do as he pleased.

Each footstep boomed in my head as I peaked out from around the corner, watching him turn the door handle and open it, signalling his freedom from our house we'd lived in all my life. He used to be so happy. I ruined him because I had something he couldn't deal with.

Unlike Luke leaving, he didn't bother to say goodbye. Luke came over a few minutes before he'd left to say something, yet I ignored him; just as my father did to me. I wish I hadn't felt anything; just because I knew I wasn't meant to. He never did anything for me, when I was small he would play with me but I admit to never having an actual relationship with my father. The reason I'd felt the way I had was the disrespect, I didn't understand the way he thought or his actions at all. None of it made sense to me, and someone I truly needed in my life- someone that every boy needs dearly- is going away because he's not okay with the person I want to be.

I followed him to the doorstep, wondering if he'd even look back at me as he drove away. He didn't. And like that, he was gone. I cried, watching his car pull out of the neighbourhood. Luke and Ashton stood from their porch watching the scene. Neither of them bothered me, which I was glad about because I didn't want anyone to talk to me right now. Not even Luke- I just wanted to take a moment to bring myself back into reality.

Reality sucked, though.

Sitting on the couch and staring into the wind, sucked.

All my emotions and feelings? Yeah, they sucked too.

Mum kept asking me if I wanted anything but all I wanted was to be normal and have a normal family and normal friends and peers. But no, no way. I got an isolated mother, backstabbing father, and boys who liked to attack each other with bananas in which they drew faces on and record it.

***

There was nothing else to really do the rest of the week, I hadn't planned on going anywhere so I brought out my old bike and headed down to the grocery store. There, I picked up a crappy box of chocolates and black and blue hair dye.

At home, I finished off the box of candy quickly before getting supplies ready to die my hair again. I had found that dying my hair was an addiction over a hobby, it looked cool each different way and I felt like it suited me.

I thought that my hair and the candies would make me feel better, but I just didn't seem to get over it. How could he? How fucking could he do something like that? There had been so many times that I thought of just leaving Luke and forgetting what I believed in completely just for him- but I didn't because he'd always taught me that it was best to be myself and always follow what I dreamed of and wanted- and it sucked because what I believed in and what I wanted wasn't what he wanted, which made me irrelevant to him.