Broken *ON HOLD SORRY*

chapter 1: the hospital

I sat up startled and breathing like a maniac. I had just woken up from a terrifying nightmare that I couldn't escape even when I woke up. For sadly that nightmare was also the story of my life. I had been dreaming about the day that caused me to end up here, in the hospital and, my best friend lying dead in my car.

As I sit there in the hospital bed, I realize I'm connected to a drip and, there's a sound of a heart monitor in the distance. I look around and notice that there are a ton of cords and wires around me, and, somehow they're connected to me. It's kind of scaring me knowing I'm in such bad condition that I need all of these things just to live another day.

Is it not enough to deal with the guilt and pain that is both mentally and physically hurting me? Is it not enough, to be thinking every waking hour that they took the wrong girl? That Jessica should be sitting here and not me? It was my one wish, my one plead to a God, who I know now does not exist, that Jessica stay alive at all costs. I didn't care if I died, in fact, at this very moment I would of embraced Death with open arms. If it meant Jess was still here.

It makes it everything a hell of a lot worse when someone say something like, "it was her turn to go, not yours" and "at least you survived". It doesn't work. It just makes things all that more insufferable. It makes my dreams more vivid, it makes me notice things I could have done to stop, it makes my guilt and despair ten times more horrible and no matter what, I always wake up thinking I should be dead and Jessica should still be alive. Their words do nothing but make it worse but what can I do? They're trying to help. Even though they must know it's pointless.

I know I will never forgive myself for this, for what I have done. For what I have made my friends go through, for what I have made Jessica's family go through. There pain must be as bad as mine, if not worse. I have only lost my best friend for (supposedly) ever. They have just lost their daughter, their sister, their cousin and for Jake, his twin.

* * * *

My friends have visited me a lot, but it looks as though they don't want to be here, with me. Only Belle (Jezebelle) seems to want to see me, though I don't get why. The first time we saw each other we balled our eyes out, we both miss Jess terribly. Jess was like a sister to both of us. Now we sit on my hospital bed talking, joking and crying about almost everything. One time Belle told me that Jake and Connor are both huge messes, not their normal perky selves. I'm the reason for their pain and I hate that fact.

Jake was Jessica twin brother they had the same sandy blonde hair, their eyes were the same chocolate brown chocolate colour, they were the same height and were the closest family could ever be.

Connor is Jakes best friend, he's a tall, blonde, fair skinned, dreamy blue eyed, loving rich kid. Connor was also Jessica's boyfriend, what I did to Jess must really be tearing him up. I bet he hates me.

Lately Belle and my conversation have been more strained and uncomfortable. As a result I haven't really talk much to anyone anymore. I don't see the need to, no one wants' to hear me speak, except maybe Belle, though I am starting to question that too.

I think they all fear they might hear something and absurd, like a petty made up story about how it wasn't my fault Jess died. If they stopped, listened and, merely glimpsed at the person I really am. All it would take is one look, for not even a second and, they would realize that none of it was true. That I was never going to blame anyone but myself, for what happened to Jess.

Even my own mother seemed to think it's pointless, that I'm pointless. She has visited me once or twice in the 10 weeks I have been in here. I know she doesn't want to be here with me but I thought she would at least try and see me once a fortnight.