how it feels to fly | jeonglix

13

It's the weekend again, two weeks after Halloween, and the sun is bright on the rusted leaves wistfully dancing outside Felix's window. He stares at them from his seat, how they can be so peaceful and beautiful, even on the brink of death. They'd blown through the back door earlier whilst he knelt beside his dad at the table, rewrapping his bandages for him, and they were probably still there. If he swiped them up before the end of the day, they'd only get replaced.

Andrew had said his leg felt as good as ever, but just from the way he groaned when getting up, Felix could tell without seeing him limp that he was lying. Still, he can see his dad's figure below him, raking away leaves from the paths, a small act of normalcy until he can properly work again.

He looks away from the window, pulling his knees further to his chest, instead fixing his eyes on the boy sat across from him. Jeongin has his headphones on, same as Felix, and they're sharing a playlist that holds them tightly to each other as they both disconnect—Jeongin in his schoolwork and Felix in his thoughts.

Jeongin's nose is buried in a book; earlier he told Felix they were studying the Vietnam War, which he'd learned already at sixteen but now they were going into more detail. He found it horrible, but deeply interesting. Felix watches him, the way his eyebrows furrow as he concentrates, teeth and tongue grazing his bottom lip until it turns red but he keeps going anyway, too engrossed in the words presented on the page.

This is something Hyunjin got to see everyday.

And Felix knows it's awful, to feel jealousy and resentment towards someone he never met, who isn't even here anymore to defend himself, but he can't help wishing he'd been in Hyunjin's place: getting to see Jeongin everyday as they grew through the most prominent parts of their lives so far, not wondering whether the smiles on Jeongin's face are because of Felix, or something that reminded him of a sweet memory when they were apart—when he was with Hyunjin.

The movement of Jeongin turning a page brings Felix back to himself. Internally, he sighs, and curses. His gaze drifts back to the window, where he can see the pile of leaves his dad has made off in the corner, a few strays already being blown from the top by the wind. Leave him be, he thinks. Being in his life now is enough. Isn't that what you've been wishing for for five years?
In truth, it is.

Suddenly, a hand is floating in front of his face. It takes Felix a second to react to it, looking back again at Jeongin, who now has his headphones round his neck and is looking at him in concern, lips bright red and marked by his teeth.

He doesn't need any of this, Felix reminds himself, slipping his headphones away from his ears.
"You okay?" Jeongin asks, history book discarded to the table beside them. "You got lost for a minute."

Felix smiles. "I'm back," he says, voice cracking.

Jeongin's eyebrows crease. "You took your tablets this morning, right?"

Forgetting what had plagued his thoughts moments earlier, Felix laughs, rolling his eyes. "Yes, Dad."

Jeongin shuffles to the other side of Felix's room, where his medication is kept in a draw next to his bed. He pulls out one box, and inspects the contents. "You're almost out, I'll go order you some more later, and pick it up for you after class next week, okay?"

Felix begins to shake his head. "You don't have to-"

But Jeongin just shushes him. "Don't say a word. I have to go for Erin anyway, it's no problem at all, you got that?" He points an accusatory finger at Felix, mouth in a grim line that still threatens a grin. In the end, Felix nods, giving in.

Hours later, Felix rolls over on one end of his bed, to where Jeongin is lounged on the other side, smiling sadly at his phone screen. "What're you watching?" Felix asks.