how it feels to fly | jeonglix

21

TW for self harm/eating disorders (not an ED but could still be triggering to some) in this chapter, take care everyone <3

6 months ago

Felix hasn't slept all night. 

And now, the sun is beginning to peek through the edge of his window, and the sound of birdsong whispers through the room. His eyes are raw and dry, his head heavy and fogged and his body aching. 

"Felix! Do you want breakfast?"

The voice comes a couple of hours later, when Felix still hasn't moved from his bed. He washes the dryness from his throat with the rest of the water beside him and quietly says good morning to his dad, who's leaning against his doorframe already dressed ready to work.

Felix shakes his head. "I don't really feel like eating. Thanks, though."

His dad nods, hesitant, and says, "Well, there's waffles in the bread bin if you do feel like it. I'm going to be out all day today, but call me if you need me." Andrew gives his son one last small smile before leaving, and Felix listens to his footsteps descending the stairs, all the way to the back door as it shuts softly behind him.

He sighs, flopping back down on his bed. His chest is burning as usual, although by this point he's starting to get used to it. The medication he's been given has stopped working, and for the past few days Felix hasn't even bothered taking them. 

Although his body protests, Felix pushes himself up and out of bed, not changing from his pyjamas but trudging to the bathroom and splashing cold water on his face and rinsing out his mouth. It's the most he has energy for. Although the sweet taste of waffles tempts him, Felix just reminds himself that he'll likely end up throwing it up in a couple hours anyway, so why bother? He catches sight of his body in the mirror, and grimaces. He hasn't been able to eat full meals for a few weeks now without heaving most of it up later, and his appearance shows it. He tears his eyes away, unable to bear looking without a growing hole in his stomach that threatens to consume him.

Back in his room, curled up by his window, he sip at his water and switches on his phone. He left it open last night to his and Jesper's messages, and stares at them for a while.

It's been a few days since Jesper messaged him. The last text he sent was telling Felix about his day, but it was curt and blunt, and when Felix responded with another question, he didn't answer. Felix has sent him a couple messages since, but all were left on delivered.

Something is worse today. Felix can't quite figure out what, or why, but the bubble surrounding him feels as thick as bulletproof glass, and distorted with static like a TV screen. Maybe it was just the icing on the cake that he knows his dad isn't around to go and talk to, but he feels inexplicably alone. His eyes drift to his blank phone screen, and Felix makes up his mind only moments before snatching it up and dialling Jesper's number. It takes a few rings, but eventually, his boyfriend picks up.

"Hello? Felix?" The confusion in his voice is clear.

"Hey..." Felix says, slowly. "I'm really sorry, but could you come over? I miss you."

His breath hitches as he waits for an answer. 

"I can't really right now, I'm busy."

Felix gulps, chest tightening. "What about later? We haven't seen each other in a while."

There's a few seconds of silence. "Alright, yeah, maybe. I can't promise anything though. Okay?"

"Okay," but Felix's heart is sinking rapidly. They've had the same conversation for weeks now, and Jesper never shows. "Maybe see you later then," he says softly. "Bye."