how it feels to fly | jeonglix

16

15 months ago

It's a relief, when the night ends and people start milling from the venue their prom was held at. It's not that Felix didn't enjoy himself, but true to what he'd told Jesper, he's fucking exhausted. He'd pretty much been glued to his boyfriend's side all night, with a constant group of people—Jesper's friends or otherwise—huddled around them. It's funny, that when the two of them aren't together, the rest of their year don't pay particular interest to them—especially Felix—and yet as soon as they show any sort of affection, it's like they're celebrities. With the weight of the crown on his head, Felix wanders through the car park, occasionally waving to some people, beret tucked safely under his arm.

Jesper's mum said she'd pick them up, so he traipses along, scanning up and down the rows of cars until he finds the familiar one. He wonders how out-of-place he must look, compared to the chattering groups of teenagers. Jesper is amongst them somewhere, fitting in a bit more than Felix could manage. The pair of them with their hilariously ironic crowns that are a lot less comfortable than they look.

Jogging over to the right car, he gives Jesper's mum a cheery wave, climbing into the back seat.

"Did you have a good time?" she asks, looking back at him in the mirror.

He nods, "It was great. Jesper and I got the most votes to be prom kings." Realising he's still wearing it, Felix removes the crown from his head and puts it on the seat beside him, slumping back against the headrest. "I'm so tired..." he mumbles, rubbing at his eyes and effectively smearing eyeshadow across his under-eyes. "Thanks for picking us up."

At that moment, Jesper runs up to the door, grinning and offering a hug to one of his friends before clambering in beside Felix. "You okay?" He asks, still red-faced and flustered from the past few hours and the brisk winds accompanying the evening. Felix doesn't answer, but scoots closer to curl up into his side as much as the seatbelt will allow, head on Jesper's shoulder and eyes fluttering closed. Kissing the top of his head, Jesper wraps an arm around him.

When they get back home, Jesper keeps his hand firmly on Felix's hip until they're safely inside, and Felix immediately collapses onto the sofa, protesting when Jesper encourages him to get up and get changed into comfier clothes. He keeps a bag of stuff in Jesper's wardrobe—and vice versa at Felix's—for the amount of time they spend at each other's houses. After slugging through taking off his suit and putting on pyjamas, Felix clambers over to where Jesper is sprawled out on his bed, and nestles in his embrace. He glances down and frowns, wondering why Jesper would still be wearing jeans if they're staying here for the night. He doesn't mention it.

Jesper puts on a TV series—one they've been watching together over the past week—and for a while they settle down to watch, the only words between them small comments on the plot, including snide remarks and yelps of excitement. After a while, Felix notices Jesper's lack of usual interest, and takes a glance up at him. He's staring at his phone, an emotionless expression on his face.

"Hey," Felix says, shuffling round to face him better and poking his cheek. "What you doin'?"

Jesper blinks a few times, eyelashes fanning prettily around golden eyes. "Huh?" At first he seems disoriented, but then his focus falls back on Felix and the look on his face is almost like he forgot he was there. "Oh," he clears his throat. "Nothing, sorry." He smiles, hugging Felix tighter. He puts his phone screen-down on the bed, and leans over to grab one of their discarded crowns.

He balances the crown haphazardly atop Felix's head. "My king," he says, pressing a light kiss to his lips.

Content, Felix returns the kiss, moves the crown from his head to Jespers, and rests in the crook between Jespers neck and shoulder, shaking off the doubt he feels creeping up his back like insects.

Not even ten minutes later, Felix's eye is caught by the glare from a phone screen and he looks over, again, and this time sees the endless videos playing of people in their year, drunk on God knows what and having what to anyone other than Felix would look like a good time. When Jesper notices him looking, he closes Snapchat and says, with a sigh, "I'm gonna go. You can stay here the night or I'll get mum to drive you back."

Felix gulps, hating the sinking feeling in his stomach. Stop overreacting, he's not doing anything wrong. So, he nods. But he doesn't really feel like being here anymore. "Uh... would your Mum mind? Isn't she asleep?" Jesper shakes his head and walks out, slipping his feet into trainers as he goes. That's the last time Felix sees him until a week later.

The rest of summer doesn't turn out as well as Felix had hoped. He spends a lot of it in and out of doctor's appointments, after he spends the first month in constant agony in front of the toilet bowl. It forces him to cancel most of the plans he and Jesper had made, and after the first few times, Jesper starts getting annoyed. You can't blame him, Felix thinks to himself each time.

They both got accepted onto the courses they wanted. But at some point, the thought of going back into classrooms sickened Felix. Literally. Every reminder to go out and buy clothes and equipment and every email for summer work sent a wave of nausea through him. Eventually it became too much, and two weeks before the start of term, Felix asked his dad to email the school, and removed him from the register.