The sky is blood red with the setting sun, Jeongin shifts in his place on the grass. He aches to take his blazer off, but the winter chill is too strong, so he's forced to wrap it even further around himself, blowing into his hands for warmth. His breath comes out write and frosty, and Jeongin wonders when the evenings got so cold, after a fairly mild Autumn on record.
It's the first time he's been to the graveyard in a few weeks. Sitting on the train that day, the seat beside him empty, Jeongin regretted it immediately. But it wasn't like he was going to run back and apologise, and since then Jeongin has intentionally avoided this place, trying to just get on with his lessons for a while.
But the school was closed today. So Jeongin was left alone with his thoughts. It wasn't the dark thoughts that got to him, instead it was the happy ones. So now he's here, facing off the one or potentially—most likely—two people he's been avoiding, and Jeongin can't think of a word.
He doesn't hear the footsteps crunching on the grass behind him. A blanket brushes Jeongin's shoulders, and the boy looks up, momentarily startled, to see Felix above him, hair surrounded by deep sunlight like a glowing halo as he drapes the soft cover over him.
"You know..." he starts, tentatively, "by now you should know better than staying in a graveyard after dark."
Still Jeongin can't find the words to speak, but he looks at Felix, with a mixed expression that neither of them can work out.
"Is it okay if I..." Felix asks, gesturing to the ground beside Jeongin. He nods, and scoots over a little. "Are you okay?" he asks, voice soft and gravelly. Jeongin worries that Felix's throat is getting worse and almost questions him on it, but catches himself, and nods silently.
"That's good," he says, and Jeongin feels his heart crack a little more.
Silence hangs between them for what feels like hours, neither making a move to say anything and instead both staring at the ground in front of them.
After a while, Jeongin opens his mouth, a brief intake of air the first sound between them. Felix glances at him, now expectant.
He licks his lips, playing with the words between them before letting them out, quietly. "I really do like you, Felix... I wasn't lying." He pauses, waiting for a reaction, but Felix just watches him with the kind, encouraging eyes that makes Jeongin's heart slow. The next words come out strained. "But I don't know if I can do this right now. I see him everywhere."
"That might never stop," Felix admits after a moment. "But you can't keep running from your memories."
"Why not? I don't want to remember. It hurts."
"Forgetting hurts even more."
After Jeongin doesn't respond, the only acknowledgment of Felix's words being the contortion of his face into a pained look, Felix slowly gets to his feet, one hand lingering on Jeongin's shoulder for a second, and walks back into the house.
The sun continues to set. Thoughts in the shape of motorbikes and late night talks under a blanket and longing plague his mind.
But the words don't come. They can't. Jeongin just sits in front of Hyunjin's headstone, where the first signs of weathering are beginning to show along the formerly neat stone edges. There's a bouquet of flowers sat at the base, elegant and pure and just starting to wilt. Jeongin scrubs at his face, and sighs. "What now?" he asks the wind.
He drops his gaze to his wrists, adorned as usual by his bracelets—his armour, surrounding him with the two people he will always love most in the world—and lets a small smile appear.
fin.
wow
what do I even say
I normally try and be positive but I'm struggling with this one, I'm kind of glad it's done. I'm very proud of a lot of the specific scenes, but the whole premise I realised quite early on I wasn't going to be able to execute properly and do it justice. I've never experienced the death of a loved one, so writing about it was quite difficult and especially with the aim of this being a romance I soon realised it really wasn't going to work that way. I don't feel like I wrote about Jeongin's grief realistically, although I know grief can look different for everyone.
Love you all, please feel free to give me any feedback, positive or negative (but in a kind, constructive way please)
until next time,
beatuptindrum, over and out x
YOU ARE READING
how it feels to fly | jeonglix
Fanfiction"Remembering hurts. But do you know what hurts more? Forgetting." 𝘞𝘦 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘑𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘴 𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘴𝘱𝘰𝘬𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘴𝘦𝘦𝘮𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘦𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘛𝘸𝘰 𝘵𝘦𝘦𝘯𝘢𝘨𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘴...
