how it feels to fly | jeonglix

20

The sky is clear again the next evening, and Felix and Jeongin decide to take advantage of it, catching a bus to the nearest town to by food to cook on a small disposable barbecue for dinner. They sit under the star-speckled blue, huddled close together under a blanket for warmth while they tear meat off bones to eat.

The whole time, Felix can feel his leg burning where it's pressed against Jeongin, and his shoulder tingling where they also touch. It's so distracting, he completely misses some of the things Jeongin says to him as they just finish eating.

"Hey."

Felix snaps out of another daze, and shifts his gaze to the subject of his thoughts.

I want to say something... so badly. I want him to know, even if he doesn't feel the same. I can't keep this a secret for much longer.

"What's wrong?" Jeongin can see the turmoil in Felix's eyes. He notices it easily, as if it were his own.

Fuck.

Opening his mouth to speak, Felix closes it again, not quite trusting himself to say what he means to say. He watches the flickering flames as they lap at the air, sparks twirling upwards towards the darkness of the night sky. He's keenly aware of Jeongin's eyes on him, and so Felix eventually shifts his gaze.

Jeongin watches him silently, eyes alight from the glow of the fire, cupid's bow of his lip subtly highlighted. His heart beats even faster, until Felix is sure he's going to stop breathing. If he hasn't already. He can't really tell at this point. Jeongin waits, while Felix tests his words, rolling them round his head so thoroughly his eyebrows furrow, and even in the somber situation Jeongin cracks a small laugh.

"Fuck..." Felix sighs to himself. Say it. 

What's the worst that can happen? Jeongin doesn't feel the same way and they continue being friends.

Or Jeongin despises him for it and gets on a train home right away, and avoids him at all cost and they never talk again.

Felix shakes his head to himself. That's really unlikely.

Fuck.

Just.

Say it.

"I like you..." He croaks. "A lot. And I'm... I don't expect anything of you... I just..." he lets out a shaking breath, "Really needed to say it."

Silence hangs between them, and Felix's heart beats faster and faster with every passing second. Eventually, he crumbles.

"Wait- I'm sorry," he backtracks, "I shouldn't've said anything. That was really selfish, God I'm so stupid-"

And Jeongin's lips are on his. Tentative, slow, and gentle. Like a spring breeze over soft grass—barely noticeable, but it sets Felix's insides alight all the same. He smiles suddenly, heart leaping in his chest as Jeongin's mouth moves against his. He slowly graces a thumb over Jeongin's cheekbone.

They pull apart hesitantly, all Felix can see is the sparkle in Jeongin's eyes—whether from the fire beside them or something else, he doesn't know—and the overwhelming weight of the moment they just shared. It feels suffocating, but Felix has never felt so elated in his life.

"So..." he chuckles nervously, now faced with the challenge of speaking comprehensively to the boy he's just kissed. "Does that mean you like me back?"

Jeongin doesn't speak, but he stares between Felix and the fire, before slowly resting his head on Felix's shoulder, and nodding.

Letting out a breath, Felix curls an arm over Jeongin's shoulder, pulling him closer against him. Jeongin complies, scooting over the bench until their sides are pressed together and grabbing Felix's other hand and wrapping it in both of his. Felix's heart starts to calm, and now he's locked in this serene feeling. Contentment. Happiness. Warmth.

They sit for a while within each others' comfort, huddled up in silence and watching the glittering light beyond them and above them. Although not as clear as the night before, the stars hang over them in all their glory, twinkling specs of hope and wonder. Jeongin watches Felix be captivated by them, pretending not to notice every time Felix glances back at him, unable to stop the smile tugging at his lips.

Midnight comes and goes, but only when the fire dies down to a burning ember does Jeongin sit up straight, a giant yawn taking him over. "Come on," he says quietly. "Let's go to sleep."

Felix is about to go into his own room when he feels a small tug on his hoodie sleeve. Cheeks blushed, Jeongin stumbles over his excuse. "It was... it was really cold last night, even with the heating on..." He goes to say something else but stops, unable to think of another excuse to ask Felix to sleep in the same bed as him.

God, Felix is going to need a warning before Jeongin does anything even remotely cute like that again. He's not sure his heart can take it. He nods, "I'll be back in a minute."

Jeongin's already curled up on the right side of the bed when Felix walks back into the room, feeling refreshed after having a quick wash. He slides into bed, getting as close to Jeongin as he dares. He isn't asleep yet, and looks up at Felix with drooping eyelids.

"It's been a long time since we did this—sharing a bed, I mean." Jeongin's mouth twitches, not nearly enough to be even half a smile, and Felix's stomach drops.

"Does it... does it bother you?" he asks, "I mean, we were practically brothers. Most people would think it's weird."

Although it takes a minute for Jeongin to answer, Felix can see the cogs turning behind his eyes. Finally, he shakes his head. "No," he decides. "It's been years. If you hadn't moved away, maybe it would've been different. But not now."

"Is it weird for you?"

Felix shakes his head. "No."

Jeongin falls asleep not long later, hair splayed out over the pillow, eyes closed and lips pouting softly in the small amount of light coming through the sheer curtains. Their chests are almost touching—just close enough that the heat radiates between them, and Felix's arms rests lightly over Jeongin's waist.

Pressing a sweet kiss to Jeongin's forehead, smiling at just knowing that he can do this now, and a desperate desire to do it forever, Felix closes his eyes and falls into a warm sleep.

He wakes to the sound of someone crying.

It's quiet, unsettled and devastating. Jeongin is clearly trying so hard to stay quiet, but he's failing. Felix cracks his eyes open to see him lying on his back, putting more distance between the two of them, his head turned away from Felix as his shoulders hunch and the hands clasped over his chest tremble. Felix opens his eyes wider, chest filled with a heavy feeling of sadness, readying himself to let Jeongin know he's awake and comfort him, and hopefully try to banish whatever demons are plaguing the boy he cares for so much.

But something stops him, and Felix feels his heart cracking, deflating, as he notices what's between Jeongin's hands.

One of his bracelets. More specifically, the only one Felix didn't make. The one with his and Hyunjin's initials strung across the string in a haphazard way that only means something from someone you truly love.

Felix watches the back of Jeongin's head as he continues to shake, trying so hard to convince himself that it's okay, that he can't magically stop Jeongin's pain when he'll never really understand what he's going through. It makes him feel like a shitty person, that Felix really wishes Jeongin would stop thinking about Hyunjin and just be happy with him. It's selfish, he knows, but the sting won't just go away like that.

Giving up on his original plan of comfort, Felix listens to Jeongin cry with his eyes closed, pretending to still be asleep. Eventually, when Jeongin's sobs have faded to uneven breaths and Felix's heart feels like it's going to tear apart, sleep claims him again, and he doesn't wake up until morning.

The first thing Felix notices is the cold chill settling in the room, followed by the absence of a body next to him, and finally the silence of the whole caravan.

It's enough to push him to his feet, his heart sinking as he walks through to the kitchen, poking his head round the few other doors just to make sure. He really is alone. Jeongin's not anywhere in here, he's not outside, and he's left no note.

No no no no no no... Felix chants to himself, running back to the master bedroom where the two of them slept last night. He doesn't know how he didn't notice it as soon as he woke up, but Jeongin's bag is gone.