how it feels to fly | jeonglix

17

1 year ago

Jesper started the school year two months ago, and Felix feels like he's been left behind. Not necessarily by anything Jesper's done, but watching him try new things, make new friends and know that they could've done that together has been the cause of a lot of his tears and irritability recently. Everyone around him is moving forward, but Felix is stuck in a rut.

The doctors finally decided what was wrong with him after five months of agonising contemplation. It hasn't made the difference Felix thought it would. Tablets will only do so much to get rid of the burning, nausea and lumps overwhelming his throat and occupying his thoughts. On top of that, they're refusing him stronger medication because he's young. While he understands the reasons behind it, in the moment it feels like a whole load of bullshit.

That evening, mid-week in Autumn when the sky is dull and dark outside and the shadows cast ominous figures running through the room, Felix falls back on his bed, bundled in a cosy blue hoodie, outgrown hair tied up away from his face. He dials his boyfriend's number, heart jumping to hear his voice.

"Hello?"

Felix can't help his grin. "Hi."

There's a sound that Felix takes as Jesper sinking down into his own pillows, and his voice is slightly muffled when he replies. "How are you doing?"

"Goooood," Felix says softly, wary of his father sleeping in the next room.

They spend a little while talking—largely about Jesper and how his courses are going, occasionally cut-off by an exceptionally loud snore from Felix's dad that interrupts them mid sentence and sends Felix into a fit of silent laughter, most of the time Jesper questioning him with a grin on what's so funny.

"It feels like it's been ages since we spent any time together..." Felix fiddles with the strings on his hoodie, lying back on his bed and staring at the ceiling. "Are you free this Saturday?"

 Jesper goes quiet, where before he was humming a small tune to himself. "I don't know..." he trails off. 

"What do you mean? Are you okay?" Felix's hand stills.

"Sorry, Felix, I have plans with some friends."

"Oh," he says. "Ok. How about Friday then?"

"No."

"No?"

"No, Felix." The bluntness in his voice sends a stab through Felix's chest. "I've already made plans."

If he tries suggesting a different date again, will Jesper get annoyed? But their relationship already feels like it's on thin fucking ice, and if he doesn't keep trying, Felix knows it'll crack. "What if we-"

"I'll call you when I'm free." Jesper interrupts him. It's the way his demeanour completely changes within an instant that makes Felix's throat dry up. 

Felix's silence on one end must ignite something in Jesper, because before Felix can say anything he starts talking again, voice slowly growing louder and more insistent with each word. 

"Don't get upset at me for making plans when all you've done in the past months is blow me off whenever I try and make time for you. You're so caught up in yourself and shit you think is wrong with your head that you don't even appreciate the person who's tried to support you through everything. I even make the effort to go pick up your fucking meds for you when you're feeling too lazy to talk to people—"

Felix sits up, brows furrowing. "What the fuck, Jes? I'm genuinely sorry it's taken this long, but you know that this is the first week in five months I've had no checkups, no consultations and no hospital appointments. It's not like I asked for this..." he sighs, "And I hate that I ask you to do such simple stuff for me. I'm working on it I promise, but... right now the thought of it makes me want to rip my hair out."

There's a beat of silence. 

Felix hears Jesper take a deep breath on the other end of the line. "Yeah, okay... I'm sorry, Lix."

He gulps. "It's okay." 

He's not sure he's telling the truth.

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a/n: 'tis short but necessary :)
hope you're enjoying <3