how it feels to fly | jeonglix

15

15 months ago

"How do you feel?"

"Like I'm on top of the world!"

Felix screeches in glee as he feels arms wrap around him, hoisting him up into the air and spinning round, round, round until he's dizzy and drunk on the adrenaline in his veins. His feet touch the ground again, but in his mind he's still floating.

"Finally, it's over," he breathes a sigh of relief, eyes meeting the boy beside him. Jesper nods, arms still wrapped tightly over Felix's shoulders.

"And now," Jesper continues, "We have a whole three month summer to look forward to." He tilts his head and softly kisses Felix's cheek, both of them giggling to themselves. Other students walk past them on the grassy verge outside their school building, some casting intrigued glances but others offering a friendly wave to the couple. All these people, Felix will probably never see again. He feels a lump in his throat at the thought of it.

They begin to walk down the hill away from school, following the swarm of students towards the town centre, the path enlightened by excitement from the Year 11s as they preoccupy themselves meticulously planning every minute of their current freedom.

"Are you gonna miss it?" Felix asks, squeezing Jesper's hand between them.

There were tears that afternoon—lots of them—because although every 16 year-old is excited by the idea of finally growing up, the realisation of having to leave behind something so familiar is terrifying.

Jesper shrugs. "Probably not. I'll probably miss history out of everything." Felix smiles in response, because as much as his boyfriend says now, he knows he saw him shedding tears during their final assembly.

"I will," he admits. "Growing up is a scary thing." He lets the silence hang in the air for a while as they climb up the first hill, almost tugging each other up and down and up and down while their paces become mismatched. "But I'm excited for A-levels."

There's a laugh from beside him. "Only you could be excited for yet more exams when we've only just finished this lot," Jesper nudges his hip against Felix's. "What did you apply to study, again?"

"English Lit, Art and Psychology. I mean, I'll probably change my mind between now and results day anyway."

They finally reach the town centre, already dotted with groups in uniforms up and down the street. Jesper and Felix run off in the opposite direction, towards their favourite café down a back road by the bookshop. It's mostly empty, and the owner knows their orders by heart, so they give Mel a bright wave and take the window seats across from each other.

Not long later, Mel brings them a tray over, topped by a mango shake with whipped cream for Jesper, and Felix's cookies and cream milkshake, along with a chocolate muffin, which always makes Jesper pout when Felix refuses to share it with him.

"Whyyy??" he always asks.

"Because," Felix shrugs nonchalantly. "It's mine."

Because how the fuck is he supposed to tell his boyfriend that there's only one boy on this planet that he'll ever share a cupcake with, and it's not him? It's like Felix's own way of still showing Jeongin how much he means to him, even though he hasn't seen him since they were thirteen.

Felix takes the first sip of his drink, feeling the headache-inducing sweetness rush through his head like a drug. Half-way through the glass, he finally sets it down. "I should probably stop having this for a while," he says sadly.

Jesper frowns. "Why?"

"I've been getting really bad acid reflux recently," he explains. "Almost every day. It's probably just exam stress, so hopefully it'll go away now that we're done. But a load of foods seem to be making it worse still." Completely contradicting everything he'd just said, Felix gulps down another mouthful of his milkshake.

Face laced with genuine concern, Jesper rests his hand over Felix's. "If it doesn't go soon, go to the doctor, yeah? I'll come with you if you want," he adds, when Felix's face pales slightly at the mention of going to a doctor. Slowly, Felix nods, and agrees with him.

"Maybe you're right," he says softly.

Jesper grins, flicking his outgrown ruddy curls over his shoulder. "Of course I am, have you met me?" His eyes trail out the window, and Felix's gaze follows, lips still holding remnants of a smile when he spots the group of Jesper's friends rollicking past the window. He sees a flicker of longing in his boyfriend's expression, and Felix sighs.

"You can go hang out with them, if you want. You don't have to stick with me all the time."

Instead, Jesper shrugs. "It's fine." It doesn't look that fine. "I prefer being here with you." Maybe true, but it can't be the case every single time he says it. "And if I go, you won't have anyone. What kind of boyfriend would that make me?" Also true, but sometimes Felix wishes he wouldn't sound lowkey condescending when he says it.

You're overthinking everything, like always.

"Okay," Felix brushes it off, now starting on the glorious muffin in front of him. "What are you wearing to prom?"

"Um..." Jesper starts. "A suit?" he tries, breaking off with a chuckle.

Felix rolls his eyes. "I meant colour, smartass. We've gotta match! If we don't get that Monarch title, I'm suing."

Jesper thinks for a minute, before sighing. "I'll be honest, I've hardly thought about it. What are you wearing? You're more into this kinda stuff than I am," he says, finishing his drink. "I'll wear what you want me to."

"Okay," Felix purses his lips. "Give me some time to think."

***

As it turns out, styling for more than one person is more challenging than Felix anticipated. Nevertheless, he manages it and on the afternoon of their prom when Jesper walks back into his bedroom—they're both getting ready at Jesper's house—Felix jumps up and down and claps his hands.

"How do I look?" Jesper does a little twirl, showing off the outfit Felix put together.

He went for simple, but not standard. Felix walks up to Jesper and fixes his collar for him, smoothing out his sleek black tie and white shirt. Jesper looks down at himself, tugging at the cropped blazer that's so short, if he wasn't wearing anything underneath you'd easily see his whole stomach. "Are you sure this is-"

Felix shushes him, "You look amazing."

Hands falling to Felix's hips, Jesper takes in the collarless shirt, black tie, pinstripe blazer and black beret resting on his boyfriends head and grins. "So do you." A feathery kiss is shared between them before Felix pulls back, suddenly guilty. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"You..." Felix tries, stopping himself to take a deep breath. "I feel guilty making you miss the afterparty, I know you wanted to go. You can, I won't mind. I'll probably be really tired afterwards anyway, and just want to sleep." They'd had this whole conversation yesterday, when Felix had finally built up his courage to tell Jesper he was planning to just go home after prom instead of following everyone else to the afterparty. He'd put it off so much because for weeks beforehand, going to the afterparty with him was all Jesper could talk about.

He just didn't understand the excitement... what's so enthralling about a room full of drunk, rowdy and probably high teenagers in some unfamiliar house spending hours playing drinking games only to regret it the day after? They'd argued for a while, but eventually Jesper had sighed, nodded and said. "I'll stay with you then. What's one more time giving up what I want to do for you?" Felix hadn't told him how much that line stung, but later in the evening, when they were both sleeping at Jesper's, Jesper leaned over Felix's shoulder and murmured into his ear before they went to sleep, "I actually don't mind, coming back here after. I'd rather be with you." Even half-asleep, Felix could hear the insincerity in Jesper's words.

For a minute, Jesper watches him, but then shakes his head. "It's fine," he responds, a little too dismissively. "I can keep up with what's going on on snapchat, I won't miss anything." He smiles, and kisses Felix again. "You okay?"

Felix forces a smile. "I'm great."