Begin Again (GL)

Chapter Four

I'm gay.

I knew for sure what I had been trying to avoid for so long bago ko pa nalaman na iba ang gusto ko.

Everything rushed to the surface. Naalala ko na ayaw ko suotin ang bestida na regalo sakin ng ninang ko noong christmas at iniyakan ko pa kasi mas gusto ko magkaroon ng PSP.

Ako na gusto makipag bestfriends sa babae kong klasmeyt noong grade four ako dahil lang sa maganda at cute siya.

I remembered always rescuing my barbie toy na kunwari kinidnap ng thugs, played by stuff toys, while pretending to be Wonder wonan. I want to a heroine that saves a woman.

And when I started to have a girl crush noong highschool akala ko kasi trend na magkaroon ng girl crush, yun pala totoo na ko sa nararamdaman ko.

And that's when I realized..

I'm gay.
 
And it's so hard to exist when you're not among the norms.

Kaya, ang lahat ng ito ay isang napakahaba at kumplikadong paraan ng pagpapahayag kung bakit nahihirapan akong magsimulang makipag-date.

I don't meet very many gay women in my line of work mostly a few gaymen siguro. I was busy at work dala na din ng shifting sched and don't really do the bar scene, and I was burned on the whole online dating thing a couple years back.

My goal as the new year has rolled in; work stress free and be happy.

Which, I hope, will lead me to a fulfilling relationship.

I could sure use it.

As much as gusto kong matanggap ako kung sino ako, alam ko rin na mabagal ang pagtanggap ng ibang tao at ang mga indibidwal ay produkto lang ng kanilang lipunan, lalo na ang ibang mas tradisyonal na mas konserbatibo.
 

 

Too much thoughts for tonight that I found myself still lying awake in bed, staring at the ceiling, my mind swirling in a maelstrom of uncertainty.

Questions, uninvited and relentless, invaded my thoughts.

Who am I really?

Ano ba ang purpose of my existence?

Ang mundo sa labas felt like an enigma, and I, just a mere speck within it.

As I pondered the vastness of the universe and the brevity of human life, a profound sense of insignificance washed over me.

It was as if the very ground beneath me had crumbled, leaving me suspended in a void of existential dread.

The routines and responsibilities that had once given my life structure now seemed like hollow distractions from the inescapable reality of existence.

I wrestled with these thoughts, grappling for meaning in a world that appeared increasingly absurd. The future felt uncertain, and the past, a jumbled mess of experiences that had led me to this point. I yearned for clarity, for a purpose that would anchor my restless soul.

It's midnight and this crisis deepened. I sought comfort in some books, philosophy, and late-night thoughts hoping to find answers that would soothe the existential ache within.

Yet, every insight only seemed to lead to more questions, pushing me further into the labyrinth of my own mind.

In the midst of this turmoil, I realized that perhaps the journey of self-discovery and understanding was itself the answer. That the pursuit of meaning was, in fact, the purpose.

And so, with a glimmer of hope, I embraced the uncertainty, determined to navigate the labyrinth and find my own truths in this bewildering existence.

Every question to the existence is like an echo; it comes back to you with a vague impact.