SCPs but now with 20% more existential dread

scp-4670

im going to format this differently from my normal entries, mostly because I got this from a ramble post but basic info first:

object class: deez nuts Lmao (euclid)

special containment procedures: 

a what

a (rough) description: 4670 is a greek woman named cici heliou. 

wait....cici...cici's pizza......no wonder that pizza was so good. (because she turns people into pigs and cooks them, etc)

this actually holds up because the only pizza i ate at cici's was ham and pineapple (hawaiian), so now I'm a little worried that I've consumed a real human.

tasted good tho so cici has talent

but anyway: the guy who discovered 4670's bbq place and the fact that they were serving human meat was like 'hey this tastes like human actually' and then it said later that 'two other certified cannibals confirmed it' and like?????? the foundation has cannibals????? certified ones, no less.

 like yall are endorsing this??????? is there like, a test you have to pass or smth to become certified???? yall i would HATE to work at the foundation's morgue bc i bet you would have to give up some dead people for these cannibal bozos to eat

is it a beastars situation where they eat people meat that came from like hospitals and stuff???? ew icky gross

its implied that the only victims of 4670 are police officers and honestly? a true ally. they really took the 'all cops are bozos' part to heart and we support that

well not the turning people into pig thing, yall know what i mean

 interestingly, the pigs are still genetically similar to humans. and they taste similar. okay now im curious: what do people taste like?

(before anyone asks, yes, my google search history is weird, wacky and wild. did you know what 'gustatorily' meant? i sure didn't)

apparently humans taste like pork. we've really gone full circle.

im trying to wrap my head around this, but like, if humans taste like pork, and 4670 turns people into pigs, then, how would you be able to tell it wasn't normal pork? well actually i kept reading the article and apparently humans might also taste like veal (have you ever heard of veal before now? no? me neither) so maybe thats how they could tell?

still losing it over the certified cannibal but by the way

actual post i sent in discord:

i think i finally understand why my friends don't reply back to my scp posts:

1, because nothing i say about scp is actually interesting or funny

and 2, because i make absolutely shit jokes like that

reading the list of items discovered in the back of 4670's whole establishment is wild because its just

-clothing (from victims)

-narcotics (smoking blunts, huh, 4670?)

-a loom

-a membership card for industrial workers of the world

and then theres

i will try to sound as subjective as possible, prepare yourselves:

it seems like scp-4670 has 

has

ˢᵉˣᵘᵃˡ ʳᵉˡᵃᵗᶦᵒⁿˢ

with their victims. 

see! i can be mature. 

anyway why would you want to fuck a police officer. like im sorry to the exactly two adults on this god forsaken website who are actually adults but yall get NO bitches

and its completely fine that 4670 hacks people up and cooks them because they only really go after police officers. it cancels out. pemdas. /j

and like the ending is pretty funny too like some guy goes missing and then the site director gets a package of meat thats similar to the guy missing and nobody is really doing anything about it. 

i wonder what they did with the package of meat, tbh.

they probably fed it to their certified cannibals LMAOOOO

anyway, sorry for being the first time in updating for a while, but mental health and whatnot has been getting in the way LOL

feel free to give feedback and whatnot, as per usual, and uh, tell me if you like this format or the older one better.

(also give suggestions for other scps you want to see me ramble about next if you want, no pressure)